getting dirty

i finally got around to dealing with some dirt. as in potting soil. which is by definition dirty.

so now i have some dirt under my nails. which i hate, but i find that it's worth it.

and now i just have to wait and see if the oregano, rosemary, chives, green onions (yup, being adventurous), sage, dill, tomatoes, etc will grow.

i'm contemplating planting some flowers of some kind. not sure, but it's an idea.

fun activity: watching soil grow.

cause i bought a bag of potting soil, but also picked up those awesome soil pellets that are the dirt minus all moisture. so you dump some water in and watch it grow like those tshirts, sponges and washcloths that have all the air sucked out of them. entertaining, let me tell you.

next challenge: finding a place for these plants to get all the sunlight they need. which is a major challenge considering there is only a short amount of sun that will come through the windows due to the horrendous tree factor that i've been suffering with up here in the north woods.

special

this morning, i took part in something very enjoyable. i was super excited beforehand, and i kept smiling during and after.

i helped out with the area's special olympics.

that's right. i went and volunteered to help out with special olympics.

it was the first time i've ever done such a thing. and i loved the time i spent watching the athletes. and i even enjoyed running from one end of the track (the good ole finish line) to the other where the award ceremonies took place. cause i ran the timesheets. that was my job.

the participants were awesome. i loved how some of them were simply excited to be there and greeted everyone. then when they got ribbons, it was even better. some blew past the finish line and would take another lap before we could stop them just cause they love running.

but my favorite took a long time to get to the finish line. here is the brief synopsis of what happened: she was in the homestretch and doing good. but then she stopped for a photo. cause her friend was at the finish line with a camera. so she stopped, and pretended to run in place. then ran a bit more. then stopped just inches shy of the finish line for another photo. which was when the person who had been a ways back passed her. then she finally took that last step.

i also really enjoyed the elementary school kids. who are just so darn cute. and so excited to be there and to have a cheering section.

the opening ceremonies were fun. they got to walk around the track. then the torch relay where one participant from each team took a turn around the track being escorted by one or two football players.

and i loved seeing the volunteers. some were adults. and it makes me happy to see people taking time out of their busy lives. some were college students (like the bsu football and women's basketball teams). others were middle school and high school students. and each one i talked to was having fun. i was so happy to see just how caring people can be. it's a lot of fun to see the goodness.

then i came back to my house with the hopes of going on a bike ride this afternoon. but instead i'm going to stay inside and watch tv/movies or read a book while it continues to rain. which is making everything green and clean and pretty, but is still kinda sad since i was hoping to be able to get outdoors on my day off.

but at least i had an amazing morning even if it's dreary outside!

where i've been living

i decided to finally take some pics of the house i've been living in. note: some of my decorations have been taken down in an attempt to remove clutter/de-personalize.

here are some pics from way back when (before i did minor decorations and cleanup):

more updatisms

well, i figure that it's been a while since i took time to write down my thoughts, so if you're about to read this, you've been forewarned.

so here are some recent thoughts:

1. i have spent way too much time traveling in the last couple weeks. like ridiculous amounts. cause that's what you get when you drive to new york from bemidji. and train/bus/plane to new york. then you drive from omaha to parkston. and parkston to summerset (which is basically piedmont). summerset to bemidji. then, not a week after getting back to bemidji, driving back to parkston (record time: 7 hrs). weird how yesterday, which was exactly a week after driving 11 hours from western sd to northern mn, i spent over 7.5 hours from parkston to bemidji.

2. "rain rain go away..." that was my emotion yesterday as i was driving. random facts and figures: 3 hrs driving through rainstorms on friday and 6 yesterday. 2 times losing a bit of control due to excess water and big puddles (nothing major since i'm still alive and didn't crash or go off the road). 3 counties under severe thunderstorm warnings that expired just before i started driving yesterday.

3. God's got an impressive canvas and great choice in colors. like the awesome clouds with the wide spaces and rolling hills of northeast sd. just outside of moorhead, i saw a rainbow ahead of me (during a slight break in the storm) and a sunset behind me.

i love seeing beautiful scenery and skies without trees blocking the view

4. tis the season for pretty flowers: here are a sample of the tulips gracing my mother's flower bed at home. note: i took these pics while dad was getting ready to teach me how to change oil in my car. 

5. grease and grime galore: my dad showed me how to change oil. i refused to do it myself because it had just rained and i didn't want to get my only pair of jeans (i packed light for once in my life) dirty/wet. so now i know how/where to find what needs to be replaced. but i did change my window wiper blades. cause that's my level.

6. traditional pre-prom mitchell run. yup, i have this random tradition of whenever i go to visit my fam on prom weekends, i make a last-minute trip to mitchell about 20 miles away. this time we picked up some ribbon. and car stuff for me. and baby's breath for ki's flowers.

7. longest sunday ever. well, maybe not ever. i may have experienced longer sundays. or someone else may have. but it did seem very long. with church services in the morning. open house at my residence in the afternoon which meant i could not get my much-needed nap right afterwards and instead roamed bemidji. open house to celebrate the 50th anniversary for a couple from church, where i saw one of my seminary classmates who just so happens to be their son. bethel's fish fry, where i had some walleye (yummy) and even was daring enough to try some pickled northern. for those of you who have never heard of such a food group, let me clarify a bit more and inform you that yes, i ate pickled fish. cause northern is also known as northern pike. which is a fish. you can look it up.

8. two car washes and a gallon of paint. that's what i got for $20 in a raffle-ish fundraiser. no idea what i'm going to need paint for, but i get to select a color.

so yeah...

here i am, sitting at my desk once again. and i'm kinda bummed because life just picks up where i left it over 10 days ago.

and where i left it 10 days ago was not a very nice place.

why i thought that something would change while i was on vacation, i'll never know. but at least i'm beginning to realize that something does need to change. because i really cannot, should not live in such conditions.

i've always loved to travel and take vacations. i like to plan trips. then go on them whenever possible. i like to plot out different routes and search out the cheapest tickets. which makes me think that perhaps i should be a travel agent. cause i'm pretty sure that my family kinda sees me as their personal travel agent already...

but this was the first vacation when i was not happy to return. usually, i'm ready to go back. sad to leave wherever i was or whomever i was with, but ready to go back. and usually excited to be back. to see people i enjoy. to be doing things i like.

but this last trip was the first time that i could feel my heart sinking the closer i got to bemidji. which was a first. usually i give a sigh of relief when i'm back to my comfortable and familiar settings.

so why is this any different?

i have a few ideas (none are truly official as i am still sorting everything out). but one seems to be the most likely since i keep going back to it:

bemidji and bethel are not where God wants me to be right now. where i don't want to be. this is the first place i've lived and worked where i simply hate to get up in the morning. in my previous life (cause it does seem like a lifetime ago), i never had a problem getting up out of bed in the morning. which has made me wonder if i'm depressed or just miserable. and i'm leaning towards miserable. because if i were depressed, then i would be depressed all the time. not just when i'm here or thinking about being here. in fact, during my vacation, i would feel my good mood deflate was whenever i thought about coming back here. which is not a good sign.

don't get me wrong. i love some of the people i work with. i've been able to get to know some wonderful and caring folks. but at this point, i'm positive that i would be able to leave and not look back. which is scary to think about. this would be the first time when my heart wouldn't break because i was moving on and leaving behind someone/something that i love.

perhaps my melancholy move is partly due to the fact that i came back to find a note from my landlord, in which was a list of things that i shouldn't be doing or should be doing. like cleaning better (i guess there was tinsel everywhere, which let's face it, tinsel gets everywhere and is impossible to clean up despite the fact that i only had tinsel up in one room of the house). or not storing anything in the basement which doesn't get used anyway. or "de-personalizing" the house so it will sell better.

i can't blame the landlords for wanting to sell. it's expensive to own and pay mortgages on two large, expensive houses.

but i can be upset that i'm not allowed to live in a home. that i'm only permitted to live in a house where i don't even know whether i'll still be there a month from now.

i would rather be in a tiny apartment that i would know was mine from the time i moved in until the time i was ready to move out. because it would be mine while i was there.

the de-personalizing business was the suckiest part of the note. cause i had just started within the last two months to actually start making the house feel like a home. cause i really needed a home. no one should ever live out of a suitcase for an entire year in a house that cannot be a home. i needed a place that was more than somewhere to store my clothes, shoes and books. i needed a place where i could feel comfortable sitting on a couch, reading, watching tv or movies. i needed a home to come home to after a long, stressful day at work. and now i have to de-personalize my home.

and i guess now that i'm having to convert my home back into a house, i'm just ready to pack up and leave. cause i don't want to stay where i'm not welcome. i don't want to live anywhere like that. nor should i.

so my mom will be coming up tomorrow night with the expedition so she can haul back much of what can't be stored in the house (i'm going to have to stop referring to it as "my" house). which is a long trip just because people are upset that i have stored stuff in the wrong places. and it means that i will be spending my free time packing up the non-essentials so that my mom can take them home. which i had planned on doing when i next went home. which was going to be in may. i was going to have a month to start packing up some stuff. but instead it will be in two days. and perhaps in few more. cause if i don't pack up enough before mom leaves, i too will have to make a trip south to dump some more stuff.

as i sit here pondering my life, i guess i realize that my number one issue about where i'm at right now is this: i'm not welcome. i've not felt welcomed this year. for the most part, i've felt like an outsider. i arrived to see three people to greet me at my new place of residence: the two landlords and my supervisor. but my parents and i had to move me in. no one else from the congregation was there to greet me. no one. and that was not a good way to start the year. with no one being there to say, "hi, where would you like this box put?" i talked to other interns who had help moving. or who showed up to have a stocked pantry (cause that what people do in the midwest - they feed others). or who were invited to meals with people for at least a few evenings that first month. but i didn't get any such care. if i remember correctly, i had a total of three invites in one month. don't get me wrong, i'm more than capable of moving boxes. and cooking. but i'm not capable of inviting myself into others' homes.

granted, there have been some families and groups and people who have made me feel welcome. but they are truly the exception.

and exceptions are not enough for me to love being here...so i guess that i'll be leaning on God to provide what i will need in order to not merely survive, but to hopefully thrive for the next couple months...cause i really want to thrive, but am struggling with a lot of thorns right now

updatisms

i took a vacation. and it totally rocked! i love my family and it was simply fantastic to be able to be with them nonstop for about 9 days.

here was the schedule of events (some basic highlights but missing a lot of the details):

wednesday, 7th - after a long day at work, i took off in order to drive to st paul. arrived there at 1 am. yup, 1 am. where i met laura, who was really nice.

thursday, 8th - woke up at 5:30 in order to be driving away at 6 am. which i did. right after briefly saying hello and goodbye to katie e. then i proceeded to drive a long, long, long way.
highlights of that trip:
- seeing the line of school buses as they all warmed up before going off to pick up the children (yup, that's early, folks!).
- driving in snow in wisconsin.
- driving past lindsay's hometown (and of course calling her cause that what i does).
- getting stuck in traffic in chicago (construction is even less fun in big cities).
- picking up my sisters at midway. good size for airport. horrible location.
- driving through a very seedy part of chicago. at one point, kendra (who was illegally laying down in the backseat) asked me to not stop because the buildings were creepy and the windows were all boarded up.
- realizing that indiana and ohio are boring states.
- meeting liesl, kayla's friend from college way back when. we spent the night at her house. where we met a gigantic dog. and admired the stuffed moose and squirrel. and where kayla and kendra proved liesl wrong. liesl thought that those two wouldn't be able to fit and sleep on one twin bed.

friday, 9th - drove out of ohio (yay, no more ohio!). and into pennsylvania. which was not as bad as people led me to believe. cause i didn't mind the curves, which were a nice variation to the boring straight roads of the turnpikes and toll roads. don't get me wrong, i love prairie and straight roads. but two days of them...i appreciated the change of scenery. arrived in poughkeepsie, ny at about the same time schools got out. which meant that there was a wee bit o traffic. but not bad. then we managed to reconnect with krissa at vassar! when we got there, we ventured to the bookstore in order to update our vassar apparel. as in, we needed to be awesome. other shopping highlight of the trip: cheap dress pants and new shades. watched movies.

saturday, 10th - slept in (somewhat). watched a rugby game for the first time ever! interesting sport. nonstop movement. a few injuries. including krissa who managed to hurt her hand and who managed to have her ear piercing split open. short explanation of the ear: she just got the top of her ear pierced and it was slightly infected. when it got bumped, it started to bleed. which meant that she had to wear a smelly scrum cap the rest of the game. i hear it was smelly because it was borrowed from a boy who never washes it. after the game, the ice cream truck showed up. so we got some free treats.
then that night we went to the rugby team party. and was an outsider who got to observe just how close that team was. as they proceeded to get drunk and sing pub songs. i realized that i like gin while at the party.

sunday, 11th - slept in and didn't go to church. walked around campus in our cute outfits, which we had all ready cause of my threats that i was going to make everyone to go to church. then changed so we could play a little game of soccer. where four of us were barefoot and three shod. then on to watch some quidditch practice. which was a letdown. cause we were all hoping they would practice in their capes. which i guess they wear at real games, but not practice. then we baked up some taters, broccoli and brownies. then we watched some movies with katie j, who drove over from conneticut to see me.

monday, 12th - early to rise, hopped on a train to nyc, found a bus to laguardia airport, and flew. and kayla and i realized that i really should have booked different flights since there was way too much time spent sitting in airports between flights. met up with mommy at kayla's apartment before mom and i drove back to sd.

tuesday, 13th - woke up to a phone call from kiana. she asked me to bring sunscreen for her to the meet. watched kiana jump at the wagner track meet. it was windy. i guess somewhere around 30 mph. gusting up to 40, maybe? then after kiana was done jumping, went to visit grandma mabel. who is now 92. spent several hours with her. which was amazing since i usually run after about 30 min.

wednesday, 14th - waking up to a phone call from kiana. again. this time she wanted me to drop off my copy of disney's princess and the frog so that the band could watch it. paid off a bank loan (yay!) before driving away to kendra's in the afternoon.

thursday, 15th - hung out with kendra in the am before she left for classes/work. and then i spent the rest of the day with the libster. libby is 1.5 years old and starting to talk. still doesn't have a lot of hair. but more than what she was born with. chilled a bit with trevor when he got off work.

friday, 16th - once again, hung out with kendra in the am and libby in the pm. baked some dinner rolls and french bread. and i totally rock at baking. i felt special when trevor stopped by briefly to get his fishing gear and libby only sat in his lap for a few minutes before transferring herself to me.

saturday, 17th - woke up early and began baking. again. then i sadly enough packed up and got on the road to head back to bemidji. rolled into town about 11 hours after leaving kendra's. after 10 pm. i got home, read a note left by my landlords, and crawled into bed.

sunday, 18th - woke up at 6 am so that i could write my sermon. which i hadn't done but needed to be done since i preached...so here it is:

Love.

A very large and important term.

So important that in many cultures they have more than one word for love.

In our own culture, we use the term “love” to describe our feelings for different people or objects.

I myself am guilty of tossing the word around to let others know that I really like a pair of shoes or a film.

Love becomes the ultimate version of like.

But love is still love when we talk about people. Love goes beyond like.

My mother always told me and my sisters that we had to love each other. We didn’t always have to like each other, but we had to love each other.

I wish that the English language had at least two different words for love. 

Like in Greek, where there is one that describes the caring and bonding love between friends. Another describes the physical and emotional love that happens between lovers. And the third that describes a love that goes beyond loving only the person standing beside you in order to encompass a love for the whole world.

It would make things a lot easier and less confusing to have more than one word for love.

I would feel more comfortable telling my friends who are important to me that the love I have for them is philos. We all know that Philadelphia is the city of brotherly love. Philos is the Greek word for the love between friends or siblings. The ultimate love between friends is when you love them like they are part of your family.

But I would also appreciate a word to let those most important to me that I would be willing to sacrifice everything for their sake. That the love I feel for them goes beyond simply caring. The Greek term here is Agape. Agape is the word for love that describes how God loved the world.

Agape has become an important theological term. Several scholars devote time to figuring out just what agape means and how it should be lived out.

My favorite use for agape is to compare it to the command to love your neighbor. Agape involves knowing what others need and helping them get their needs fulfilled. Making sure that they have enough food, clothing and shelter. Caring for them and making sure that we do no harm to them. Agape is a big word to describe a love that involves an active doing.

In today’s text, we read that Jesus is asking Peter some questions. What we in the English-speaking world miss out on is the fact that the words for love, which are simply love in English, are actually philos and agape in the Greek.

Jesus asks twice, “Peter, do you love me? Do you agape me?”

The response both times is “Yes, I love you like my brother. I philos you.”

But the third time, Jesus adjusts his question to fit Peter’s response. “Peter, do you love me like a brother?”

And Peter responds in the affirmative.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I struggle with the fact that Jesus adjusts his question.

When I read this text, I’m puzzled and somewhat insulted that Jesus is the one having to adjust to fit the human feelings. Think about it. Jesus in the first two questions is asking Peter to have the ultimate love for Jesus. For Peter to feel agape. Then Jesus realizes that Peter is just not up to that level and brings the expectation of love down a notch.

It can seem as though Jesus is admitting that Peter is just not able to love in the best way. And it can seem as though Jesus settles for philos.

Of course, that would require us to think that one form of love is better than another. That agape is better than philos.

Which may not be the case.

But in our culture and tradition, we have often placed more importance on agape, on that self-giving, self-sacrificing love. Because we were raised to believe that it is far more important to give than to receive. And we were raised to believe that agape is the ultimate giving and loving.

But when we place so much importance on agape, we forget that philos is just as important. Philos is not necessarily lesser than agape; it’s just different. Agape and philos both have a place in the world.

I think that the focus of today’s text is not supposed to be on what type of love Peter feels.

Peter loves Jesus. He admits it. He loves Jesus in the way he knows how to love Jesus best: he loves him like a brother. Peter loves Jesus.

The text also focuses on what Jesus expects Peter to do.

Now that Peter has admitted that he loves Jesus, Jesus expects Peter to do something.

Love is dead when the feeling doesn’t match the actions. Love is dead when we say that we love someone but treat them poorly. Love is dead when we say the words but then abuse others verbally, emotionally or physically. Because love is about caring and helping.

Because we all have heard that actions speak louder than words.

That’s what I thought of when I read today’s text.

Peter is saying that he loves Jesus.

And Jesus is letting Peter know that the time has come for his actions to reflect his words.

So Jesus tells Peter to feed his lambs. To tend his sheep. To feed his sheep.

Jesus is letting Peter know that he is now the shepherd. He is the substitute on earth. Peter is being called to love and care for Jesus’ flock.

So what does all this mean for us today?

Good question. I think that we will all have different ideas of what we should believe and do. Of how we should feel and act.

But I think that we can all agree that Jesus doesn’t just end with the feeling of love. He doesn’t just persist in getting Peter to admit to a feeling. But each time he asks, he follows up with a command for Peter to do something.

I’m sure that God is asking us the same question: “Do you love me? You may love me like a member of the family, you may love me like a friend. I just want to know, do you love me? Because if you do, here’s what I expect you to do…I want you to look after the rest of my flock. You need to make sure that they have enough food. To find them when they are lost. To care for them when they get hurt. So if you love me, go out and love my flock.”

Not exactly the easiest command to follow, but necessary. If we love God, we had better be out in the world caring for others.

Love God and love your neighbor. Thanks be to God. Amen.

He is risen!

He is risen indeed!

I heart Easter. Best holiday ever.

At least in the church year. Cause holidays like Thanksgiving and St Patty's Day rank up there in random holidays celebrated in America...

But I love Easter.

We get to celebrate.

And sing "Alleluia" again.

And praise God.

Cause Easter is awesome.

I'm one of those Christians who doesn't like the cross (even if it was transformed into a thing of beauty) or death. I prefer the empty tomb and the resurrection.

So being able to celebrate the risen Savior is perfect.

Happy Easter!

HOLY WEEK update, part 2

tonight was the choral performance of "the living last words", aka the last words of christ put to song. with some monologues from people who would have been at the cross.

and it was beautiful and moving.

now i'm sitting in an empty church just in case people want to come tonight for the vigil.

but i have hulu and some movies to watch so that i don't fall asleep

oh, and i'm researching pots and pans to purchase. very important indeed

HOLY WEEK update, part 1

Five days ago I posted my sermon from the Sunday that starts off the busiest week in the entire church year: HOLY WEEK.

Which needs to be in all caps cause it's so important and busy.

Yeppers, the fun is going to be in full swing.

For example, Monday and Tuesday I managed to slow down a bit schedule-wise. No meetings to attend.

But Tuesday afternoon I dropped off my vehicle to get the brakes checked out. Cause they were squealing. And squealing brakes are bad. Very bad. Especially when you are preparing the vehicle for a 3000-mile road trip.

The damage: $560 dollars to replace brake pads and roters (sp?) for all 4 tires. I had been hoping that it was only the front ones, but the auto shop said the bad ones were even worse than the front.

So I was without a vehicle for a day. Which is fine since there was not really any place for me to be other than at work or at home.

Last night was the huddle meeting for the confirmation guides so they could plan the last month of confirmation. Which was hosted by yours truly. And I made some of the best beef stroganoff I've ever had. Seriously, it was good. Better than I had ever made before. It should have been amazing since I had it simmering on the stove for 2 1/2 hours. And I opened my three buck chuck (a three dollar bottle of wine whose brand is st charles, hence the name) of merlot to add some flavor. The meeting was fun. Cause who doesn't like to gather with good people to eat food and laugh and joke?

So that was a good day to end my Spy Wednesday.

I had never heard of the Wednesday of HOLY WEEK being called Spy Wednesday before reading a devotional email that morning. I guess it's because of Judas Iscariot's plotting.

Then I had the worst time getting up this morning. Maundy Thursday or April Fools Day. Depending on your preference or tradition, you focus on one or the other. Since I'm not much of a practical joker (at least not this year), I'm going with Maundy Thursday. It might also have to do with the fact that I work at a church...

Anyhoo, today I have stuff planned. This afternoon is my congregation's turn to help out at the Soup Kitchen in town. Nothing like being given a busy day of the week. So I'm going to go help set up, cook and do other prep for the meal tonight. But I can't stay cause of the service tonight. Cause Maundy Thursday is when we celebrate First Communion. And I've been teaching the kids for the past couple months. So not only am I required to be there (something about the pastors should be at worship services or some such nonsense), but I want to be there.

Plus before and after the service there are various music rehearsals. And I should prolly be at them.

One is the Bell Choir practice for Easter Sunday. Cause we are playing one beast of a song. Super fast and not at all easy with its continual triplets switching to eighth notes. And marting (slamming the bell onto the padded table). And being ten pages long.

The other is the choir dress rehearsal for the Good Friday service, which is a musical (well, choir only) retelling of Jesus' last words. Also good to be at.

And that is my schedule for today.

Tomorrow (which in a typical week would be my day off since I get Fridays off) is also being planned. I'm going to visit someone. Then the Good Friday service. Then Easter Vigil begins. Which means that I will be in the church until midnight for those brave souls who decide that they want to have some quiet prayer time in the church.

And Saturday will be even busier since during the morning and evening there is prep for Sunday, afternoon  birthday party, Easter Vigil service (prepared and being led by me), and Vigil til midnight.

Sunday will be an early start since Vigil time is 6-8 am. Then two Easter services. Then Easter meal with a local fam.

Then I hope to have down time. Hoping. But not planning on it.

i heart people

on sunday i found a location that was balm to my soul.

it was not the first time i had been there

in fact, nor was it the second or third or fourth...

that's right. this was my fifth trip to havenwood care center, a local nursing home

i admit that i often feel uber-uncomfortable in nursing homes. i never know what to talk about.

but today, when i was there to preach and lead worship, i found myself sticking around for over an hour after the service just to talk with people over birthday cake and coffee (or in my case, hot chocolate)

it was a nice time for me to be able to relax and simply enjoy people. i was still a bit awkward, but i loved it. and i enjoyed getting compliments from some of the elderly who attended the worship. afterwards several said they appreciated or enjoyed my sermon. one loved the smile and light in my eyes.

and i enjoyed talking with the staff and volunteers. one even volunteered to take me around to the local small towns. and i'm going to take her up on it. cause she was fun as she said that when she shook hands with me, she felt that she just wanted to hug me. just like some of the others did. i got more hugs today at the nursing home than i did in the last week.

and i loved it.

so i might just have to show up sometime during the week or on sundays to have coffee with them.

because five days later i still smile and am happy.

isn't it amazing how some friendly people and good conversations can keep you going all week with a positive attitude?