george

i named the new hammer i bought today. george is a small "stubby" hammer.

i kid you not, that's the type of hammer it is. seriously. it says so on the label.

i bought a stubby hammer.

feel free to giggle. i did. and still do.

anyhoo, george was purchased in preparation for a mission trip where i will be painting houses. which means that my shopping list also includes paint brushes, paint scraper (and i totally found a rockin awesome 14-in-1 paint tool), goggles, etc. the hammer is prolly meant to pound in random nails gone astray. i don't expect george will get much action, but he was well worth the $2 i spent on him at home depot. it was a fun day!

i should be working

but i'm not. obviously, i'm at work but not exactly working on everything i should be working on.

like the bible study for the next two weeks (i'll be leading for the next month or so, but i need to have enough prepared for the 30th when i'm gone on a mission trip)

or my library project where i'm adding color to old books. i sort the books into different categories that have corresponding colors. which reminds me that i have yet to find some of the colored labeling dots i need...

today i will do at least do the bible study prep. then tonight i will attend a women's circle. but in the meantime, i decided to figure out just why i have no drive or ambition to work. especially since i've had energy the last couple weeks.

and i'm reminded of my lows during february and march. when i was not really able to care for other, when i would rather stay in bed and do nothing, when i was trying to heal on my own. that was my limited experience of what depression might feel like. but i managed (with God's help and the support of family and friends) to crawl back out into my typical optimism.

so now i'm at least aware that part of my reluctance to be with people as their pastor is that i'm also wounded and trying to heal. i still talk to them, i still visit, i still pray with them. but i'm also aware that any healing for them is coming from God and definitely not from me and my abilities. because right now i'm not capable (well, technically i've never been) of healing others.

my mind and heart is in other locations and not focused on the present.

my heart is with my family right now, especially with krissa and mom and dad out in santa barbara. but i'm also with my sister kayla in omaha as we both await the decision that will dictate where we will be moving at the end of summer (since we agreed to be caretakers as long as krissa needs the extra care). i'm with my sister kendra since she tends to be the most emotional of us all (at least, she's the one who shows the drama). i'm with my baby sister kiana as she is just trying to figure day-to-day where she needs to be and what she needs to be doing (like going from having a summer to do as she pleases with lots of rodeos and playdays to unexpectedly nannying for a week to spending a couple days with me to making sure that cats/dog/rabbit are taken care of) with an intent to visit krissa wherever she is but not knowing if that will include flying to california or waiting for krissa to get back to the midwest while trying to plan spending time with family and friends

i'm looking ahead to the mission trip. i will be leaving at 4:30 sunday, june 27 to be gone for about a week. so i'm looking ahead to preparing the bible study i'll miss while out of state.

i'm looking ahead to the end of summer, which is my most challenging situation.

i mean, i don't know if i'm going to have to move to rapid or to rochester or to somewhere in new york. i don't know if i'm going to be able to take classes at luther or if i need to be finishing my degree online. so many little factors that would be nice to have planned instead of hanging in limbo...

Survival

There are a few things going on in my life leading to me being in survival mode:

1. 12 mile bike ride. Let me expound upon this a bit more. I have not done any major athletic activity since January. Which was 6 months ago. I got this brilliant idea that it would be so much fun to go to Itasca State Park, which is only about 30 miles away from Bemidji, to walk through the Mississippi. Because the headwaters of the Mississippi are there. And I thought it would be fun. Then I thought it would be even more fun to ride bikes there. They have a 5.8 mile bike path. One way, of course. Which means the total is 11.6 miles. Little did I know that it would involve some hills. Or that my bike would decide to fall apart on me. Literally. The screws holding the handle bar were loose. And then somehow the bike didn't want to change gears. Or somehow the brakes would randomly lock so that I couldn't go forward. Not fun. No fun atall. But I survived. And I managed to wade in the Mississippi. And survived the physical exertion.

2. Internship. Granted, I'm loving a lot of what I do. I love people. I love worship. I love Jesus. But it's been hard. Particularly having to fight against expectations that can be a bit unrealistic. But I've been intentionally having fun. Doing things that interest me (like working on the library and leading a Bible study on Proverbs). Visiting people. Not dwelling on the bad (very important).

3. Family life. I think that a lot of churchgoers can forget that pastors have families that are seldom (if ever) seen. My family in particular is my lifeline. I'm not married or have a child or anything like that to have my own little nuclear family. I'm solo, which means that my parents and sisters are my family. And when one of them is hurting, I'm distracted.

The last couple days have been a major challenge for my family.

Last Friday, my sister KrissaMarie broke her neck while playing rugby. Nothing stops your own heart quite the same way as hearing that your sister broke her neck. The fears are instant: is she dead? is she paralyzed?

Then to top it all of, she's halfway across the country. I'm in Northern Minnesota, she was injured in Santa Barbara, California. So it's not like I can jump in a car and be there within a few hours.

Fortunately, she's alive and well. Not paralyzed or anything. Yes, extremely weak. Yes, she had surgery to fuse vertebrae. Yes, she'll be in rehab for the next year. But she can eat (feed herself no less). She can talk on phones. She can walk.

Thanks be to God for her miraculous ability to heal quickly!

But that is the least of the story, because so much more stress comes with other days. Like ordering plane tickets for our parents to get to Santa Barbara. I ordered them on the phone thinking that such an order would be the best and easiest to deal with. Alas that it was not the case. The gentleman helping me on the phone turned out to not have the best hearing. Like when I start the conversation by saying that I will be ordering TWO tickets. And after providing all the information for passenger #1, I find out that he was only booking the one. So we have to go through the whole rigamarole again to order another ticket on the exact same flight. Only to find out the next morning when Dad gets to the airport to pick up his ticket, it is not for June 12 like it was supposed to be. It was instead for July 12. The idiot on the phone messed up. And my dad suffered for it. He didn't get on the same flight as Mom. He went and bought a ticket with a different airline because he wanted to be there ASAP. Then proceeded to have delays and missed flights. And of course, I'm stressing out because of all this. In addition to the worry about Krissa. Not a good combination. But Mom and Dad both got there. Which is the important part.

Then the next stress factor arrives in the question, "Kara, I don't know how to email the Wiechmann family email. Will you send out the message?" And I respond, "Of course I can."

So now I'm the official go-between.

I get information from my parents and siblings about Krissa's progress. And about what steps will be taken soon for rehab or fundraisers. Then I relay it to the family members and friends whose emails I have.

Since Krissa was supposed to be working at camp all summer, I also had to contact the camp to let them know she wasn't going to be back this summer. Then give the contact info to Kendra so she could get the stuff at camp since she lives only about an hour away.

It's a lot to be doing when also trying to focus on internship. Being the contact person and travel agent is time-consuming. But I love it! I love planning and organizing. I love the tangible results of being able to build up contacts and strengthen relationships through such events.

Other stress factor comes in the form of the unknown future. Because Krissa will be in rehab for so long and because people can only take so many weeks off from work, I (along with Kayla) have been volunteered for and have volunteered ourselves (not sure which came first...) to be caretakers who can move wherever in the country to help out. Because I can end internship early if necessary (I'm down to less than two months left). And because I can take online classes (major perk of being almost done with seminary and only having a few classes left). And Kayla's entire degree is online. And because we want to help out in any way we can.

But such a future means that I don't know where the rehab location will be about 5 weeks from now (when Mom's leave of absence expires). I don't know if Krissa will be going back to college and if she needs to have her sisters along for the ride or if her college will be able to take care of everything. Which means that during the school year I may be in Rochester, MN with her at Mayo. Or I may end up in Poughkeepsie, NY near Vassar College.

It means that I have no idea where I will be living two months from now. And I don't like not knowing...

But there is nothing that can be done for now. It's all about survival. Hour to hour, day to day, week to week, month to month.

spaghetti

i've been doing a lot of reading lately.

while some of it involves the bible (gotta love text studies where pastors gather to read the coming sunday's text or the bible study i'm leading on the book of proverbs), most of it does not.

i'm an avid reader. love books. serious problem for me since my memory is very good at remembering the stories i read which means i can't just pick up a book i've read within the last year cause i'll remember all the details. which means that in order to read something that is not boring, i need to find books that are either new or old enough that i've forgotten what happens.

thankfully, libraries exist for just that purpose.

so i've been a library patron with a few books out at a time. and i had forgotten how much i love checking out books that are not for study or research but are instead for enjoyment.

of course, if you know me (and to know me is to love me), then you also know that prefer read books that have little/nothing to do with theology. like science fiction, fantasy, romance, mild mystery. books that help me to escape the reality that can bog me down.

this past lent, i had issued a challenge to not read anything books but the bible in an attempt to give up something i love and to ground me firmly in the word of God. of course, this challenge did not extend to any commentaries i read in order to prepare sermons or bible studies. 

that was a major challenge for me, but i have to admit i did like the adjustments in my life as i instead focused upon God and this world instead of escape.

but i'm thinking that i'm playing catch-up (a few months later) to make up for lost time. which is nice but probably not the wisest course of action for me.

cause i've gone on fantasy binges, "good" book binges, only watch tv or movies binges (just to spice up my doldrum life of reading), romance (lately christian or inspirational romance instead of smut) binges. 

lately i've also started to read some "good" books. good because they are the books that make you think about life or God or other weighty issues that hurt my brain when I try to understand. books that i may or may not agree with.

this past year some of my fave "good" books include basically anything written by mitch albom, the last lecture (amazing read i heartily recommend), the shack (neat idea for a plot), dakota (read it so many times yet still love kathleen norris's classic)

it's amazing that for the first time in my life, i like reading books that reflect upon the meaning of life. i like reading books where the author grapples with theology.

i still love being able to escape into other worlds where there is love at first sight (ahh...romance...) or supernatural beings (especially witches and fairies...oh how i love magic).

so i guess i'm growing up (possibly even maturing) as my taste in reading changes.

not that i'm going to give up reading books about dragons or fairies or witches or far-off lands or impossible love.

cause that would just be cruel and unusual punishment.

apocalypse

i decided that i don't like apocalypse movies

let me explain

this weekend i rented "legion" which was one such movie. really dark. both in dark lighting and in theme. cause what would a movie about the end of the world be like if it wasn't dark? seems wrong to have happy and cheery apocalyptic movies...

and i realized while watching (and of course reflecting afterwards) that the reason i didn't like this particular movie was that the end of mankind was coming because God had lost faith in humanity. and decided to start over kinda like with noah way back when

and i realized that i did not agree with such a movie because of my beliefs

i'm not comfortable with talk about God going back on promises to not do that again (remember in genesis 6 after noah and the flood came the rainbow=promise to not do that again)

because the God i believe in is the one who would be the one to keep up a promise even when human beings lose their way, which we often do

summertime fun begins...

so tonight bethel had a little gettogether for the youth and youth leaders and whoever else would show up. there was a small group that came, but we had a ton of fun. we ate potluck-style. and while the guys were getting the grill ready for the hot dogs (thanks pastor mark in particular) some decided to play around with a giant flying disc. pink of course. and so began the evening in the park along the lake.

i had a great time getting to sit around and talk to those who came. i'm not the overly athletic, as anyone who knows me can attest. but i do love to socialize.

so we snacked a bit. and i ate more sweets than i should have. but i do love monster cookies, and peanut butter cookies, and strawberry rhubarb cake.

after eating a meal together, we spent some time just chatting. then we pulled out the guitars.

and then we transitioned over to bocce ball. which is one of my favorite lawn games EVER! and to think i almost won with my awesome teammate erin...

and we ended exactly at 21:00 (the time my phone said) or 9:00 for all those who don't know the 24 hour time. 

and this is the view we had as we left:

bells of bethel

today was the kick-off to bemidji's summer musician series in which various church musicians show off their talents.

bethel lutheran was first in line. and the half-hour concert over the lunch hour was the final performance of the bells of bethel (as the bell choir is known) until after labor day.

so we performed some songs today. it was fun to be able to perform several in a row as opposed to when we play one for a church service.

that was noon.

tonight we had a potluck to celebrate the end of a year. and it was so much fun to be able to sit around, talk and eat. we laughed and had a good time.

then we watched the video of our performance. which was both embarrassing and amusing.

embarrassing because we all looked grumpy or mean or bored as we were all focused and unsmiling. cause we were so intent on watching our music and not as much of looking happy.

amusing because we all looked that way. and because we were able to laugh at ourselves. like laurie who was sitting next to me as we were both cringing over how we hate watching ourselves without having some alcohol first (in a town hall where no alcohol is permitted). or how we teased some because they spent most of a song just turning pages. or being able to recognize when someone was totally off and missing notes (which we all did at one point or another).

such a fun group to be a part of. and now i don't know how i'm going to figure out the way to start my weekends. cause all year my thursday night ended with bell choir. and since friday and saturday are my days off, that means that bell choir was the official end to my week. and now without that habit, i'll be lost for a couple weeks...

the weather

i'm always amazed at how much my mood is affected by the weather. and how sometimes it's not.

today for example. it's raining out, which is kinda disappointing to me since i would prefer a bit of sun, which i got this morning when i first woke up ridiculously early before going back to sleep. and the next time i woke up (with my alarm going off, of course), it was raining. nothing really major, but enough to bring moisture to the very sandy soil that is oh so common up in these parts.

someone recently had finally explained to me why on earth they need so much rain around here. it's because they have very sandy/clay-y soil that doesn't hold any moisture. which is not really what i'm used to since i seem to have grown up in a part of the country where the soil can get saturated quickly thus leading to flash floods.

but back to the drizzle outside.

it's a calm rain. kinda pleasant to watch, but i'm definitely in thunderstorm mode. i want the torrential downpours that are over in minutes as the clouds pass and the sun comes back out. so much more interesting to have the extremes. there is something to walking in a downpour with the sun shining down on you.

but i'm noticing that despite the lingering rain, i'm in a pretty good mood. i spent all day yesterday, which just so happened to be memorial day, by myself at home. i curled up on the couch and watch tv shows. movies on tv and tv on dvd. it was a much needed break and down-time. i needed to be able to spend a day literally doing nothing and forgetting the world outside. of having my phones on but no one calling.

except my mother to double check on when kiana is going to come visit me so we (the two of us plus people from church) can traipse on down to the science museum in minneapolis where the dead sea scrolls are on display. which is less than two weeks away! yay!

on another note, i finally got around to planting the seeds to start my tomato and strawberry hanging pots. and i put all my plants out on the patio deck yesterday. where they will remain until there is a frost warning. i had been keeping them inside so i could shelter them a bit from the extremes of the outdoors. and because the soil was more likely to retain water inside while i was gone for four days. most of them are growing. not fast enough in my mind, but at least i'm seeing green amid the dark soil. and now they are lined up in hopes of getting the morning sun.