one of the biggest challenges i face is the fact that everything i do and say is constantly being watched and evaluated.
i know most are simply curious or looking to me for guidance, and i'm okay with that.
but what is also quite frustrating is how different generations are not just watching but are evaluating.
my generation seems to be really good at filtering for ourselves. we look at people, and we absorb what we want, ignore what we want, overlook what we want. in a world where we are constantly being bombarded with information, we need to be able to filter.
and i do this when i look at leaders. i look and see what they are doing and saying. if they are being true to themselves and not just putting up a false front, if they are able to match actions and words, if they are trying to hide their brokenness or embrace it as part of who they are.
i want to be a leader not afraid to be who i am.
who i am is broken, prone to making mistakes.
who i am is imperfect, without all the answers.
who i am is a child of God, doing the best i can.
i want to be a leader who is comfortable with all my faults and failings but also with my gifts and talents. God did not create a perfect Kara who will never do anything wrong.
God created me to be me.
and so i endeavor to openly acknowledge my faults and failings and to give voice to those who think that only the "perfect" can be leaders for God's people or be pastors in God's church.
because i do not want to be a leader who puts forth a false front that will topple once people get too close.
i want to be a leader who is respected for choosing to follow God and doing my best and loving God's people, all the while knowing that i am here not because i chose it for myself for my own glory, but that i am here because i truly feel called to embody how God brings all people to the body of Christ for healing and forgiveness and new life.
and so i get frustrated at times when who i am as a child of God (broken and made whole again) clashes with the institution's expectation for how a pastor is to act and what a pastor is to say.
because let's face it, i never will be the perfect example the institution wants.
i can only be who God created me to be, who God calls me to become.
i can only be me.
