closing time...

why that post title? well, the weekend is coming to a close...that and i love the song "closing time" by semisonic

i have decided to be a little but reflective tonight. usually i'm one in favor of funny, uplifting and nonsensical posts. but today, despite being in a very good mood, i decided to switch things up

the last few weeks i've been taking a long time to think about my future. where God wants me to go, where i want to go. what i should do. what my strengths and gifts are and where they might be most useful. the big questions that every senior gets asked. cause that's what happens when you are in your final year of school.

and yes, i have every intention that this be my final year of school for a loooong time...at least 5 years. taking the optional course may be okay, but not full-time status.

but back to the deep questions.

a few weeks ago i had a meeting where i was suggested to figure out some steps and habits i can start to develop in order to better equip me in ministry. little things to do, think or say when i start getting frustrated with other people or begin to feel defensive when i feel threatened. because such events happen. i'm not perfect; i'm human. and i get upset from time to time. i love people and God and want to spend the rest of my life working and serving, but there are bad days and there are annoying people out there. so i need to eventually figure out some beneficial habits.

here are some of my current thoughts:

1. confidence - don't belittle myself just because others look down upon me (or at least seem to disapprove since i seldom really know what they think). this is very important. it's not about being overly proud but instead about having confidence. and i don't mean self-confidence. no. this confidence does not come from inside me. this confidence needs to come from God. because i really cannot do everything that people want me to without possessing the gifts from God. confidence in my skills, my talents, my gifts, my interests is nothing without the faith that God is the source. that God has a plan even when i don't. far too often i get caught up in telling myself that i'm not good enough, that i could do more and be better. but that should not be the focus. the main point is that i'm really not good enough, but God is greater. and to quote paul: i can do all things through christ who strengthens me...

2. skills. and i'm not talking skills that napoleon dynamite talks about. i'm talking about the gifts for ministry that i already possess. the gifts and strengths that balance out any weaknesses. cause i really like something i was told at the beginning of the year: don't focus on your weakness; instead, use your strengths creatively to balance any weak spots. granted, that was not the exact quote, but the gist of it. and i found that to be eye-opening. i'm someone who has been bogged down in my lack of skills and experience, when really i should be changing my view. like my weakness of procrastination. which is not actually the case. i've often assumed that i don't like to plan and prepare because i put things off. but a few different things constitute what gets labeled as procrastination:
a) lack of creativity or energy. i've come to realize that i can do a lot of things and with gusto when i feel inspired and creative. i love brainstorming. i love thinking outside the box. i love plotting and planning. i love details. i love all that goes into starting something new or switching up the old. sadly enough, all these loves of mine end up forgotten when i feel dried up. and when i'm not buzzing on a creative high, i do nothing. literally, i will do nothing until inspiration hits. which tends to be at the last possible moment.
b) lack of follow through. closely related to lack of creativity and energy. when i don't feel the energy or drive or motivation, i let projects fall to the wayside. granted, i can see projects through depending on what it is. i hate leaving things undone. but i may not be able to have continuous progress over extended periods of time. everything happens in spurts.
c) last minute. i work well under pressure. i am at my best when my world is chaotic. i work best under stress. my head clears and i always manage to do everything i need just in the nick of time. some people tell me that everything would be better if i could do things earlier then keep revamping or redoing or redrafting or re-whatever. in other words, not do things at the last minute. but that's not me. like papers or sermons. for some reason, no matter how much i try to start by writing early, the final project is never anything like early drafts. i tend to start from scratch at the last minute anyway. so i've learned to spend more time taking notes and reflecting before writing final projects. which means that my final project tends to be quite coherent in logic and flows because i write it all in one shot. there are always things to improve but that's life in general. nothing is perfect.
d) room to improve. everything i do is not perfect. i still have much to learn, i still have room to grow. but it gets frustrating at times when perfection is the expectation and i know that as an imperfect person i will never achieve perfection; i can only do my best. and my best will always have room for improvement. but i wouldn't want it any other way. because i believe that the day we stop learning and growing is the day we die.

3. future. i have no idea what this will look like. i'm not omniscient. i'm not a fortune teller. i'm not God. but i do possess a strong faith that God has laid out a future for me. i just don't know what it is. but i know a few things. i'm on the right path right now. i'm in the place i'm meant to be at this moment. and i'm doing what i should be. but i have no idea what the future holds for me. and it's terrifying to think about the unknown. but i'm also super-jazzed. cause i love chaos and possibility. i hate stagnancy. i hate being bored with routine when i could be trying and doing new things. when i can be traveling, meeting new people, creating experiences. life is meant to be lived to the fullest, and in my particular case, life is vibrant and changing. others get to claim the constancy and contentment. i'm jealous of people who are already where they are meant to be and don't feel any pressure to change. i'm still working on that. i feel as though i'm standing on the edge of a cliff ready to jump off. terrifying but exciting. cause i don't know what will happen. i could hit the rocks at the bottom (doesn't sound pleasant). or i could end up in water and will need to either swim somewhere or let a current carry me (may or may not be pleasant). or i could somehow start to fly. which would be awesome. and i'm thinking that someday i'll start flying. i feel as though i'm preparing to soar but just haven't taken off yet. i know i'm almost ready but have no particular destination in mind. i'm willing to travel anywhere and experience anything. it's both frustrating and freeing to be able say and know that the future is open. i want to know but at the same time i don't because God always has far more in store than we could ever imagine, i just need to be open to going where the Spirit leads...

and now that my brain hurts from thinking so much, i'm going to retire and reboot.