so yeah...

here i am, sitting at my desk once again. and i'm kinda bummed because life just picks up where i left it over 10 days ago.

and where i left it 10 days ago was not a very nice place.

why i thought that something would change while i was on vacation, i'll never know. but at least i'm beginning to realize that something does need to change. because i really cannot, should not live in such conditions.

i've always loved to travel and take vacations. i like to plan trips. then go on them whenever possible. i like to plot out different routes and search out the cheapest tickets. which makes me think that perhaps i should be a travel agent. cause i'm pretty sure that my family kinda sees me as their personal travel agent already...

but this was the first vacation when i was not happy to return. usually, i'm ready to go back. sad to leave wherever i was or whomever i was with, but ready to go back. and usually excited to be back. to see people i enjoy. to be doing things i like.

but this last trip was the first time that i could feel my heart sinking the closer i got to bemidji. which was a first. usually i give a sigh of relief when i'm back to my comfortable and familiar settings.

so why is this any different?

i have a few ideas (none are truly official as i am still sorting everything out). but one seems to be the most likely since i keep going back to it:

bemidji and bethel are not where God wants me to be right now. where i don't want to be. this is the first place i've lived and worked where i simply hate to get up in the morning. in my previous life (cause it does seem like a lifetime ago), i never had a problem getting up out of bed in the morning. which has made me wonder if i'm depressed or just miserable. and i'm leaning towards miserable. because if i were depressed, then i would be depressed all the time. not just when i'm here or thinking about being here. in fact, during my vacation, i would feel my good mood deflate was whenever i thought about coming back here. which is not a good sign.

don't get me wrong. i love some of the people i work with. i've been able to get to know some wonderful and caring folks. but at this point, i'm positive that i would be able to leave and not look back. which is scary to think about. this would be the first time when my heart wouldn't break because i was moving on and leaving behind someone/something that i love.

perhaps my melancholy move is partly due to the fact that i came back to find a note from my landlord, in which was a list of things that i shouldn't be doing or should be doing. like cleaning better (i guess there was tinsel everywhere, which let's face it, tinsel gets everywhere and is impossible to clean up despite the fact that i only had tinsel up in one room of the house). or not storing anything in the basement which doesn't get used anyway. or "de-personalizing" the house so it will sell better.

i can't blame the landlords for wanting to sell. it's expensive to own and pay mortgages on two large, expensive houses.

but i can be upset that i'm not allowed to live in a home. that i'm only permitted to live in a house where i don't even know whether i'll still be there a month from now.

i would rather be in a tiny apartment that i would know was mine from the time i moved in until the time i was ready to move out. because it would be mine while i was there.

the de-personalizing business was the suckiest part of the note. cause i had just started within the last two months to actually start making the house feel like a home. cause i really needed a home. no one should ever live out of a suitcase for an entire year in a house that cannot be a home. i needed a place that was more than somewhere to store my clothes, shoes and books. i needed a place where i could feel comfortable sitting on a couch, reading, watching tv or movies. i needed a home to come home to after a long, stressful day at work. and now i have to de-personalize my home.

and i guess now that i'm having to convert my home back into a house, i'm just ready to pack up and leave. cause i don't want to stay where i'm not welcome. i don't want to live anywhere like that. nor should i.

so my mom will be coming up tomorrow night with the expedition so she can haul back much of what can't be stored in the house (i'm going to have to stop referring to it as "my" house). which is a long trip just because people are upset that i have stored stuff in the wrong places. and it means that i will be spending my free time packing up the non-essentials so that my mom can take them home. which i had planned on doing when i next went home. which was going to be in may. i was going to have a month to start packing up some stuff. but instead it will be in two days. and perhaps in few more. cause if i don't pack up enough before mom leaves, i too will have to make a trip south to dump some more stuff.

as i sit here pondering my life, i guess i realize that my number one issue about where i'm at right now is this: i'm not welcome. i've not felt welcomed this year. for the most part, i've felt like an outsider. i arrived to see three people to greet me at my new place of residence: the two landlords and my supervisor. but my parents and i had to move me in. no one else from the congregation was there to greet me. no one. and that was not a good way to start the year. with no one being there to say, "hi, where would you like this box put?" i talked to other interns who had help moving. or who showed up to have a stocked pantry (cause that what people do in the midwest - they feed others). or who were invited to meals with people for at least a few evenings that first month. but i didn't get any such care. if i remember correctly, i had a total of three invites in one month. don't get me wrong, i'm more than capable of moving boxes. and cooking. but i'm not capable of inviting myself into others' homes.

granted, there have been some families and groups and people who have made me feel welcome. but they are truly the exception.

and exceptions are not enough for me to love being here...so i guess that i'll be leaning on God to provide what i will need in order to not merely survive, but to hopefully thrive for the next couple months...cause i really want to thrive, but am struggling with a lot of thorns right now