gradumatations and a massive road trip

kiana graduated from northwest college

krissa and libby entertained themselves as ki graduated

then we traveled through the mountains yet again

and we eventually made it out to new york

through pennsylvania

innisfree gardens

krissa graduated from vassar college

and we went to niagara falls

where did march go?!?

i bet that is the question everyone is asking.
i mean, i blipped off the radar for two months?

yep.

primarily cause about two months ago the season of lent started.
and partly because i didn't feel like blogging.

but i'm back now that my thoughts are no longer focused upon several worship services a week.
seriously, the slowest week would have been a total of two services - one sunday, one wednesday.
but that was not the average week.
in march i had a total of 18 worship services to lead.
that's right, that averages to over four a week.
i've had 10 thus far in april (thanks to holy week with two palm sunday services, two maundy thursday services, two good friday services and four easter sunday services).
that's 10 services in 8 days.
it's not even halfway through the month. tomorrow i add two more to the list.

but now it's april and i'm looking forward to more warm days.
it's been warm for weeks. i picked a good year to live in north dakota. not much snow, not excessively cold. early spring.
but earlier this week there was one day where the high was right around the freezing/melting point.
it was so cold that i wore gloves.
it seems that my cold tolerance is gone.
just like the snow is gone.

it rained yesterday, which was nice. helps everything look clean.
the grass is greener, my car is no longer a dusty, chalky tan.
i've been trying to get out and about more, walking my dog and being more active now that i no longer have to traipse through snow banks or on icy pathways.
today it's about 60 degrees and sunny without a cloud in the sky.
gorgeous!

so now i'm trying to think about what to say about doubting/unbelieving thomas (btw, i totally sympathize with his desire to see Jesus for himself).
and cleaning my house and baking brownies in preparation for a jewelry party monday night.
and putting away clothing (i think the really heavy sweaters are going to be stored away somewhere as soon as i figure out where that will be).
and getting ready for a busy weekend next weekend (quick trip to sd to see friends, synod assembly).
and planning for my vacation next month (according to mapquest, i will put at least 4950 miles on my vehicle...and that's without any additional trips to go shopping or visit family and friends in between krissa's and ki's graduations).

but i'm taking it one day at a time, which is all any of us can ask for.
and starting tomorrow, i (and a couple other family members and friends) are going to take on a challenge to set aside an hour a day to promote spiritual well-being.
just for fun

frustrations abound

one of the biggest challenges i face is the fact that everything i do and say is constantly being watched and evaluated.
i know most are simply curious or looking to me for guidance, and i'm okay with that.

but what is also quite frustrating is how different generations are not just watching but are evaluating.

my generation seems to be really good at filtering for ourselves. we look at people, and we absorb what we want, ignore what we want, overlook what we want. in a world where we are constantly being bombarded with information, we need to be able to filter.

and i do this when i look at leaders. i look and see what they are doing and saying. if they are being true to themselves and not just putting up a false front, if they are able to match actions and words, if they are trying to hide their brokenness or embrace it as part of who they are.

i want to be a leader not afraid to be who i am.
who i am is broken, prone to making mistakes.
who i am is imperfect, without all the answers.
who i am is a child of God, doing the best i can.

i want to be a leader who is comfortable with all my faults and failings but also with my gifts and talents. God did not create a perfect Kara who will never do anything wrong.
God created me to be me.
and so i endeavor to openly acknowledge my faults and failings and to give voice to those who think that only the "perfect" can be leaders for God's people or be pastors in God's church.

because i do not want to be a leader who puts forth a false front that will topple once people get too close.

i want to be a leader who is respected for choosing to follow God and doing my best and loving God's people, all the while knowing that i am here not because i chose it for myself for my own glory, but that i am here because i truly feel called to embody how God brings all people to the body of Christ for healing and forgiveness and new life.

and so i get frustrated at times when who i am as a child of God (broken and made whole again) clashes with the institution's expectation for how a pastor is to act and what a pastor is to say.

because let's face it, i never will be the perfect example the institution wants.

i can only be who God created me to be, who God calls me to become.

i can only be me.