i should be working

but i'm not. obviously, i'm at work but not exactly working on everything i should be working on.

like the bible study for the next two weeks (i'll be leading for the next month or so, but i need to have enough prepared for the 30th when i'm gone on a mission trip)

or my library project where i'm adding color to old books. i sort the books into different categories that have corresponding colors. which reminds me that i have yet to find some of the colored labeling dots i need...

today i will do at least do the bible study prep. then tonight i will attend a women's circle. but in the meantime, i decided to figure out just why i have no drive or ambition to work. especially since i've had energy the last couple weeks.

and i'm reminded of my lows during february and march. when i was not really able to care for other, when i would rather stay in bed and do nothing, when i was trying to heal on my own. that was my limited experience of what depression might feel like. but i managed (with God's help and the support of family and friends) to crawl back out into my typical optimism.

so now i'm at least aware that part of my reluctance to be with people as their pastor is that i'm also wounded and trying to heal. i still talk to them, i still visit, i still pray with them. but i'm also aware that any healing for them is coming from God and definitely not from me and my abilities. because right now i'm not capable (well, technically i've never been) of healing others.

my mind and heart is in other locations and not focused on the present.

my heart is with my family right now, especially with krissa and mom and dad out in santa barbara. but i'm also with my sister kayla in omaha as we both await the decision that will dictate where we will be moving at the end of summer (since we agreed to be caretakers as long as krissa needs the extra care). i'm with my sister kendra since she tends to be the most emotional of us all (at least, she's the one who shows the drama). i'm with my baby sister kiana as she is just trying to figure day-to-day where she needs to be and what she needs to be doing (like going from having a summer to do as she pleases with lots of rodeos and playdays to unexpectedly nannying for a week to spending a couple days with me to making sure that cats/dog/rabbit are taken care of) with an intent to visit krissa wherever she is but not knowing if that will include flying to california or waiting for krissa to get back to the midwest while trying to plan spending time with family and friends

i'm looking ahead to the mission trip. i will be leaving at 4:30 sunday, june 27 to be gone for about a week. so i'm looking ahead to preparing the bible study i'll miss while out of state.

i'm looking ahead to the end of summer, which is my most challenging situation.

i mean, i don't know if i'm going to have to move to rapid or to rochester or to somewhere in new york. i don't know if i'm going to be able to take classes at luther or if i need to be finishing my degree online. so many little factors that would be nice to have planned instead of hanging in limbo...