praisin' God in the midst of it all ain't always easy

this has been a long year. a very long, touch, strenuous year.

there have been major ups and downs. last february and march i hit a major low.

but i was on an upswing because i adopted a mantra: God is good.

so i've been doing much better emotionally and spiritually. 

but today i received some more major news.

and not of the good kind.

i'm not sure i want to give the complete story (or back story), so here is a brief synopsis:

i moved to parkston when i was five. and two doors down was a family with two small boys. one was 6 months younger than me (which means he was 6 months older than kayla, the sister who comes right after me). derik and his brother cam grew up with me and my sisters. we've known each other for about 20 years. 

today derik committed suicide. 

this is the guy who agreed to be my prom date way back when. and was a complete gentlemen with the weird girl down the street. 

the guy i just talked to last month when i was home. who walked around town for about 30 min just catching up. 

the guy who just turned 25 earlier this month. 

i'm still in shock. i mean, i know it's real. that it happened, but it seems surreal that derik's gone. 

i was texting my sister kiana back and forth when she let me know about the abundance of vehicles at the house two doors down. ambulance and police. my first thought was that derik had done something. hoped that it wasn't the case.

but it was. derik had done something.

and it was a blow when i got the official message from kiana letting me know that derik haag was dead.

then i talked to my sister kendra, who called me crying. she was the first to start breaking down the shock barrier when she reminded me of how we knew something was wrong and had been for years. how we had been hoping that he was doing better. but the guilt from not doing enough. from not checking in. his suicide wasn't a shock since we had worried about such a possibility for years, but it still seems untimely. the regret will still be there. cause we should have been able to help him. that we shouldn't have abandoned him by moving away and losing contact with him. which we did. 

then i talked to my mom whose first words were "i have a migraine." i guess i now know where i get the migraines after crying from. because my mom had gone over to sit with mary, derik's mom. where she learned that mary had always hoped derik would end up dating one of us girls. and was reminded that derik had enjoyed seeing me just a few weeks ago. 

then my mom shared the fact that krissa, who was happy and bubbly from finally getting back home from college in new york almost two weeks later than originally expected, had her bubble burst right away. my little sister who had wanted to be home by may 15th for kiana's graduation. the one who was so happy to see her mommy and daddy after being away from home for months. when i was talking to mom, she let me know that kiana and krissa (the two youngest sisters who are home) were over with cam. cause cam is our brother. and they had to be there for our brother who just lost his brother. 

it sucks. 

i mean, i lost a friend. but the family lost a brother, a son, a grandson, a cousin. 

so i'm bawling cause i can't imagine their pain. 

and i'm praying a lot cause that's all i can do right now. pray to God to give them strength to get through this horrible ordeal. pray to God to take care of derik, who i hope and pray is finally at peace. 

and i'm going to intentionally choose to praise God because that is what we're created to do. 

even though it hurts