highs and lows

i think that this will be one of my more serious posts.

probably because i've been in a very serious mood all day.

if you know me (and to know me is to love me), then you are aware of how i tend to be optimistic and usually on the happier end of the scale. yes, i'm also highly cynical and sarcastic. but i like to think that i'm a "happy cynic" (to borrow a phrase from a luther sem prof, mark throndveit).

and maintaining a tension between optimism and cynicism is no easy feat.

but until this year, specifically until this past month, i was always hopeful. i always knew that i had a bright future, no matter how dark or bleak or warm and cozy my situation was. i had a bright future.

because God had a plan for me.

and i found solace in knowing that God had a plan, even if i had no idea what it was. no matter how frustrated or aggravated or irritated or annoyed i was that i did not know what was to come. God had a plan.

but in the last month, i can feel my energy and my joy being sapped. i cannot see the future. i cannot sense any brightness to come. because right now, i'm barely crawling up from rock bottom.

which i hit on ash wednesday. and rock bottom is not a nice place to land. ever. but especially not at the beginning of lent.

ash wednesday was when i read an eval from my internship committee.

which is when everything about who i am and what i feel called to become was called into question.

i'm not sure just how much of the eval i should be keeping confidential. but i figure since it's all about me, i can share it whenever and with whomever i want.

because it sucked.

i have to give credit where credit is due (which my committee could learn...) and admit that they brought up some very good points about where i struggle, where i need to grow. they were honest.

but it hurt.

a good pain, because this pain is driving me to dig deeper for answers, to humble myself and realize that i am not perfect, to reach out to God to help me learn.

ironically, i have been praying for this. i have been praying for the last couple years for God to bring me to my knees. because i knew i was far too self-confident. that i was too assured of what good i was going to be doing when i get out into the "real world" and help others.

but it still hurt.

but God is good. and in the last few weeks, God has provided me with people who have been true blessings as they let me rant and rave and express my pain. 

but for now, i'm taking time to focus on the fact that God is good and always has a plan.