i think that this will be one of my more serious posts.
probably because i've been in a very serious mood all day.
if you know me (and to know me is to love me), then you are aware of how i tend to be optimistic and usually on the happier end of the scale. yes, i'm also highly cynical and sarcastic. but i like to think that i'm a "happy cynic" (to borrow a phrase from a luther sem prof, mark throndveit).
and maintaining a tension between optimism and cynicism is no easy feat.
but until this year, specifically until this past month, i was always hopeful. i always knew that i had a bright future, no matter how dark or bleak or warm and cozy my situation was. i had a bright future.
because God had a plan for me.
and i found solace in knowing that God had a plan, even if i had no idea what it was. no matter how frustrated or aggravated or irritated or annoyed i was that i did not know what was to come. God had a plan.
but in the last month, i can feel my energy and my joy being sapped. i cannot see the future. i cannot sense any brightness to come. because right now, i'm barely crawling up from rock bottom.
which i hit on ash wednesday. and rock bottom is not a nice place to land. ever. but especially not at the beginning of lent.
ash wednesday was when i read an eval from my internship committee.
which is when everything about who i am and what i feel called to become was called into question.
i'm not sure just how much of the eval i should be keeping confidential. but i figure since it's all about me, i can share it whenever and with whomever i want.
because it sucked.
i have to give credit where credit is due (which my committee could learn...) and admit that they brought up some very good points about where i struggle, where i need to grow. they were honest.
but it hurt.
a good pain, because this pain is driving me to dig deeper for answers, to humble myself and realize that i am not perfect, to reach out to God to help me learn.
ironically, i have been praying for this. i have been praying for the last couple years for God to bring me to my knees. because i knew i was far too self-confident. that i was too assured of what good i was going to be doing when i get out into the "real world" and help others.
but it still hurt.
but God is good. and in the last few weeks, God has provided me with people who have been true blessings as they let me rant and rave and express my pain.
but for now, i'm taking time to focus on the fact that God is good and always has a plan.
You might consider that this blog might be read by members of your internship congregation, and that your public comments may have unintended effects on ministry there.
ReplyDeleteJust a quick thought from someone (not from Bemidji) who cares.
Wow. As trite as it sounds, hang in there. You'll find your way. And you're doing exactly the right thing by trying to learn from it what you can, but it is easy to be overwhelmed by it all. It sounds like you're not in such a great placement from what you're posted. I've certainly seen situations in which someone can do excel of falter just based on the particular environment. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThat sucks. Nice people you have there. Didn't even learn how to start with the postitives and be kind about the negatives. Blech.
ReplyDeleteI've been there too, but I'm not as courageous as you--I tend to keep all the bad stuff secret! Anyway, best of luck hanging out with the Callous Quint until the end of your internship. I'm sure you feel a bit raw whenever one of them are around. Here's sending you some love--a bit of balm to rub on the wounds.
note: this post was adjusted after the anonymous comment. because i did find truth in their comment that i need to be cautious
ReplyDeleteYour strength and resilence, your love and passion, and your faith make who you are Kara. I have no doubt that you will come through this, learning lessons that will help you on your path, wherever God leads you...
ReplyDelete