the tough factor

now, i bet you're wondering, what does such a post title mean? "the tough factor"

i have no idea. i just thought it was catchy

so that's the title for now

cause the option was "tough times update"

but i didn't like that one as much. cause i feel as though things are moving up

so here is the latest haps in the world of kara the intern:

for those of you who took a vested interest in how i fared with my committee, i survived (see the previous blog titled "humility"). i made the meeting last about three hours cause i wanted to get through the whole damn eval and try to understand where the hell they were coming from. yes, i just swore.

i will admit that i suffered a blow when talking to them. cause it was even worse than reading the eval. which i didn't think would be possible.

so that was rock bottom. but when you hit rock bottom, there is only one place to go:

up

so in the last week, i have been more intentional about being positive and coming to grips with some situations. and part of moving on involved taking one step at a time to slowly move forward. like my latest shopping spree with megan. or borrowing clothes from her. or like continuing to teach. and worship.

i do think the fact that the sun came back out for the first time in over a week helped.

i did get a compliment about how i dressed on sunday in my jacket. but i felt like a fraud. cause such an outfit is not me. i'm not a corporate executive. i'm a pastor who happens to like dressing casual. and i firmly believe that God welcomes everyone into church, no matter how they dress.

i'm currently working on completing my own evaluation of how well this internship is progressing and how i'm feeling called to and equipped for ministry. i know that i have a lot to learn. that was one thing that was glaringly obvious from my committee. i'm young. i lack a lot of the life experience they want in a pastor. and it's hard cause they are teaching me in a way that none of us like. they feel as though they need to be very opinionated and direct (yet vague at the same time). whereas i need them to speak truth in love. i need them to be encouraging and say, "yep, you got your work cut out for you. but there's potential for the makings of a great pastor."

the last few days i've been thinking really, really long and hard about what steps to take next. and not just steps to get through the next week. or through easter. but whether or not i want to finish out this internship.

and i think i do. as megan pointed out last weekend, i would be disappointed with myself if i stopped now. or even a month from now. cause that would be quitting. and i'm not a quitter.

so the challenge will be to remain focused upon God. and what God wants me to learn from those obnoxious, offensive people. cause they are part of God's family and i'm commanded to love them too.

but loving them does not mean trusting them. and i'm noticing that i'm not sure i can trust my committee. which is one of the hardest things to realize. cause i should be able to trust them. but i don't trust them. i'm upset enough to know that i don't want to trust them. so i'm working on being able to push myself to take another leap of faith in order to entrust them with some pieces of me, my life and my future.

i don't even trust them with being able to read my facebook statuses anymore. or this blog, which is why it is now private, invitation-only viewing. i don't trust them. they have broken my trust more than once. and i just can't handle the pain of constantly being hurt by the people i should be able to trust.

on the lighter side of my current life situation, my sisters (kayla and kendra) and i set up our trip(s) to new york where we will be visiting krissa, another sister. i'm looking forward to take a much-needed vacation. i'm looking forward to not only getting out of bemidji but minnesota in general. i'm looking forward to quality sister time. even if we might want to kill each other by the end of a road trip where i pick up kayla and kendra in chicago before driving the rest of the way to poughkeepsie. where we spend a few days hanging with krissa and her friends. where kayla and i literally sit next to each other on plane rides back to omaha.

because i need to be with people who can see the good in me along with all the bad. who can look and see me. and who still love me despite the fact that i'm not perfect. and know that i will never be perfect.