frustrations abound

one of the biggest challenges i face is the fact that everything i do and say is constantly being watched and evaluated.
i know most are simply curious or looking to me for guidance, and i'm okay with that.

but what is also quite frustrating is how different generations are not just watching but are evaluating.

my generation seems to be really good at filtering for ourselves. we look at people, and we absorb what we want, ignore what we want, overlook what we want. in a world where we are constantly being bombarded with information, we need to be able to filter.

and i do this when i look at leaders. i look and see what they are doing and saying. if they are being true to themselves and not just putting up a false front, if they are able to match actions and words, if they are trying to hide their brokenness or embrace it as part of who they are.

i want to be a leader not afraid to be who i am.
who i am is broken, prone to making mistakes.
who i am is imperfect, without all the answers.
who i am is a child of God, doing the best i can.

i want to be a leader who is comfortable with all my faults and failings but also with my gifts and talents. God did not create a perfect Kara who will never do anything wrong.
God created me to be me.
and so i endeavor to openly acknowledge my faults and failings and to give voice to those who think that only the "perfect" can be leaders for God's people or be pastors in God's church.

because i do not want to be a leader who puts forth a false front that will topple once people get too close.

i want to be a leader who is respected for choosing to follow God and doing my best and loving God's people, all the while knowing that i am here not because i chose it for myself for my own glory, but that i am here because i truly feel called to embody how God brings all people to the body of Christ for healing and forgiveness and new life.

and so i get frustrated at times when who i am as a child of God (broken and made whole again) clashes with the institution's expectation for how a pastor is to act and what a pastor is to say.

because let's face it, i never will be the perfect example the institution wants.

i can only be who God created me to be, who God calls me to become.

i can only be me.

calendar challenged

for those of you who know me, you may or may not realize that there are days when i don't look at the calendar.

as a pastor, this is not always a good option.
[there are times when it's nice because i can truly take a day off only when i have no set plans or am not looking ahead to what's coming]

i looked up at my desk in my church office a mere 10 minutes ago and saw that the calendar hanging there says "july" even though it's been august for 18 days...
and i have not yet gotten up to change it since i obviously haven't looked at it in almost three weeks.
i'm in no rush to change something that i never bother with anyway.

part of my challenge is that i like being able to remember events and activities without having to look at a calendar.
i like being able to tell you what all my upcoming plans are without having to consult a piece of paper or a planner or an online calendar.

i'm human.
and i mess up from time to time.

time slips past me when i'm not careful, and i hate when i miss out on something because i am calendar challenged.

i may not be able to change my love/hate relationship with calendars right this moment, but i'm still a work in progress.
and i have hope that there will be a week when i manage to remember everything i need to without forgetting anything.
but i'm not holding my breath.

being all pastor-y

i'm winding up my first week as a pastor.
shocking, right?
i mean, i got to wear a stole and everything while preaching...

this past week has been interesting. it's amazing at how easy i can slide into some parts of my job and role, while other parts are not a comfortable fit.

for example
- easy to call up and visit a complete stranger who is now "my" parishioner
- not so easy to sit in the office at the church i live next to (but i already knew that i hate sitting at desks since the desk in my house is in the "office" but my computer and printer are set up in the kitchen/dining room area with a view of the tv).
- easy to write a sermon
- not so easy to figure out the differences between Presbyterian and Lutheran services (future reference: Apostles' Creed and Lord's Prayer are most noticeable)
- easy to meet and greet people
- not easy to wear a clerical (seriously, i had one on this morning and decided to wear the alb and stole despite it being warm)
- easy to preside over communion
- not easy to stay awake right now since it's naptime...silly exhaustion that always happens after sunday mornings...

ministry in media video

for my ministry in media class, we were assigned to put together a video to give to a minnesota without poverty. it could be anything we wanted, but we had to have it related to the coalition or poverty...
i chose to use the experience of leading the discussion guide at a local congregation as my source of inspiration.
if you want to know more about my reflections and experience while talking about "enough for all", check this post from my other blog (the serious one i started for this class).
i'm so proud of my video that i'm choosing to post it here and on my other blog.

here is my project:


Enough for All from Kara Wiechmann on Vimeo.

if you don't see a video, here is another link

Music copyright link:

untitled track (James Blackshaw) / CC BY-NC-SA 3.0

family pastor

a congregation will be voting this coming sunday on whether or not to call me as their pastor.
i'm super excited (and if you happen to see me and ask me, i'll be wearing a giddy grin and be ready to start bouncing around).
but also nervous. nervous because nothing is set in stone and the vote hasn't taken place yet and i haven't signed papers and we haven't negotiated a start date...

and i keep getting ahead of myself.

about 3 weeks ago i was freaking out about never receiving a call, when all of a sudden a voice popped into my head and told me,
"Be still and know that I am God."
i love it when i get those moments of clarity. they don't happen often, so i really listen up when they do. that day i listened and immediately let go of the concerns and worries and felt my clenched shoulders relax. i was reminded that there was nothing i could do but be still and know that God is God.

and about a week later i was called and informed that a call committee intended on extending a call. i was pleased and shocked and unsure what to feel since the emotions were so intense as the call process was becoming real in a very different way.

i'm going to be a pastor.

what is really startling is how my entire life is working towards full-time ministry. i'm finally beginning to accept the title of pastor. somehow in the past few months, i've become comfortable with being a pastor.

i know, i know. i've been preparing for this for how many years and it's only now that i'm comfortable?
yep, it is.
cause until now i was always a student, but things are changing.
two weeks from today is my last day of classes. i'm nostalgic for the loss of the school setting that i've known and loved for the last 20 years.
but i'm ready to be a professional.
i'm ready to trade in the hoodies for sweaters and cardigans (oh wait, i've already done that...).
i'm giving up t-shirts for clergy shirts (i'm heading to north dakota where pastors can wear clergy shirts with jeans...i plan on wearing jeans at least once a week, just because i err on the informal side).

a year ago, i was still overwhelmed with the idea that my family would see me as a pastor.
a year ago, i needed them to keep me grounded and remember who i was (which was not a pastor).
but now, i'm a pastor.
and i'm still their daughter/sister/cousin/niece/granddaughter/friend.
i'm excited to be both.

last month strangers at a cousin's wedding saw me as the pastor and i'm pretty sure had no idea what my real name was, which i take is a sign that i've ceased to be the student and have stepped into the world of the pastor.

my family has started to shift how they see me and my role.
when i decided to go to seminary, i began being drafted to pray at meals. i still resist every once in a while, but i find it easier to say yes and am flattered to be asked.
when i told people i was going to be a pastor, they started telling me where the openings were.
when they realized that i would be able to preside over weddings and baptize children, they began asking me to enter their lives in new ways as the family pastor.

i talked to two of my four sisters today.
one sought some pastoral advice from me (which oddly enough looks exactly like asking her big sister for advice).
and the other, when she called, joked with me that she was calling to talk to her sister and not the future pastor.

the tension is there between pastor and sister.
but not for them.
because i'm both sister and pastor.
i'm the sister who will be a pastor.

as both pastor and relative, i can bring a special, personal connection to key moments in life transitions.
moments i would be part of anyway as family, but as pastor and family i get to bring a more intimate bond into the moments blessed by God.

and i'm excited

seminary update

alright people, i'm getting stressed/nervous/overwhelmed

life is moving quickly.
very quickly.

i am super busy and both loving and hating it.
(mostly lovin' it)

i enjoy not sitting still.
i enjoy running around like a chicken with my head chopped off.
but i do not enjoy the sensation that i may start crying because i have so much to do and little time to do it in
(but if you ask me a week from now, i will only remember the fun adrenaline rush)

here is my plan:
1. homework - post online, read/skim books and articles, complete assignments
2. interview - this weekend: 4 interviews with 4 parishes/congregations in 4 days
3. live - savor every minute i have left at luther

homework gets done and i will pass classes (p is for pastor, after all).
then i will graduate at the end of may.
then i will hopefully be ordained this summer and start working for the Church

interviews will be done and i may or may not receive a call to be someone's pastor before the summer starts. hopefully at least one congregation i interview with will be the ideal place for me to do ministry with the skills God gave me.
i did a mapquest search to see the approx amount of miles i will be traveling from thursday morning to monday morning: 1118.33 miles
that's spending 19 hrs 42 mins in my car...(not counting the stops for gas, bathroom, food, sleep)

this is the time to live life to its fullest (yeah, i know it's cliche).
i may cry at some point, but i'm hoping it will be tears of joy and not tears of frustration or sorrow.
as someone pointed out to me today, there are only about 6 weeks left to the school year (breathe, kara, breathe).
and as i've been pointing out to friends here, i only know of 2-3 weekends i am going to be sleeping in my apt from now until the end of may (breathe...).
i'm excited for the coming trips, but so much travel wears me down.

but if God can bring me to it, God will see me through it.

(prayers are not only accepted but encouraged)

2011

hard to believe that this is a new year. my year started off on somewhat the wrong foot with a very interesting (in the midwestern sense of the word) beginning.

as i posted on facebook, i had a very interesting first two days of the new year.

jan 1 (around midnight, so it might have been jan 2) - got peed on by a sleeping toddler. not cool. will be funny someday, but still not cool yet.

jan 2 - driving to sioux falls for approval interview when i was rear-ended...and still made it to my interview on time

jan 3 - drove to mitchell (and past the scene of the crime) to deliver a shovel to some boys who were snowed in but didn't have one...

jan 4 - only time i left the house was to go take the dog for a walk. and it was glorious outside! (if i can find the sd card adapter for my micro-sd, i'll post pics of the snowy fields)

jan 5 - a sister turned 24 (marks the last birthday of my immediate family until may). went to church office with my mom so she could chat with the pastor and another bible study leader about their upcoming bible studies for their respective women's circles

jan 6 (today!) - decided it was time to pull out old computers and deal with copying music and pics onto my hard drive

additional notes:

- car accident: i'm fine. haven't noticed any pain or whiplash (well, my wrist was sore for about 2 days, but fine now). car still runs and drives, even though the bumper is busted and the alignment is a bit off...i got off easy compared to the person who hit me, whose front end did not look pretty and whose face hurt from the air bag deployment

- approval interview: for candidacy in the elca, i had to go through the final step toward ordination which consisted of an interview (panel of 2 in my case) who recommend me for approval and was voted on by the entire committee the next day...now i'm free to be ordained!

- bible study prep: i like how the pastor meets with the leaders so that they can bounce ideas off each other and ask questions before they lead...i think i shall remember this when i have my own congregation...which i hope to have next summer now that i've been cleared for ordination...

- computers: pulling out the old computers...which are dinosaurs and do everything in slow motion...
this means that they took waaaaay longer to start up, and using them requires patience...
this means that i could check my email and download 6 gb of data off flashdrives to my new computer before the old one even booted up...
this means i'm going to take all day to get the old pics and music off my old computers...

let the multitasking commence (again...)

so i've been without a personal computer for a week. it was rough but also educational.

rough:
1. no computer to sit on my lap while watching tv, reading books for class, writing papers. i had to go to the computer lab.
2. no hulu. cause my wii internet is not hulu-friendly.
3. checking email via wii. fun but not fun. fun because it's a wii. not fun because i could only check one email at a time and it was slow.
4. typing papers in the computer lab.
5. seeing my hdmi hookup to my tv look forlorn...
6. spending hours in the computer lab finishing up assignment paperwork.
7. not knowing what info i lost between the last back-up and the crash...

educational:
1. bringing back memories of freshman year of college which was the last year without a computer
2. realizing that there are poor unfortunate souls who don't multitask. which was rough for me (see rough #1) since i love to have multiple browser tabs open at once. prefer to have multiple activities going on at once. but for the last week, i was forced to slow down.
3. breathing space. i was disconnected from the world. technically, i had my cell phone where people could reach me. but it was not the same. i logged off for a short time.
4. realizing that my computer is not my life. no matter how much i like technology. i can live without (at least for a short time...)

but i'm now reconnected to the world.
with a brand-new computer recently purchased and started up (so exciting to see the screen that tells you that it's starting up for the first time...)

hope this one lasts more than two years...

pre-pastor jitters

here is something that i've been thinking about.

pastors have the weirdest conversations. much like the ones i've been having lately.

and i'm not even a pastor yet.

why is it that people hear that i'm a seminary student studying to be a pastor and decide that the time has come for the pastor-in-training to hear their confessions?

sometimes it makes me laugh. like having people assure me that they've read the whole bible. or that they go to church. i find it somewhat amusing when people insist upon assuring me that they do all the right things to be considered a good christian.

other times it makes me scared. like having people confess their dark, deep secrets. cause i have no idea what to do when i hear about the issues from people's lives - marriages/divorces, kid issues, job concerns, etc. and it scares me to think that my future will be riddled with knowing the tough situations people go through and yet not having any idea of how to help beyond giving all concerns back to God...

but i suppose, that's the main job for a pastor to do: figure out how God is working as we figure out how to live, loving God and neighbor...

closing time...

why that post title? well, the weekend is coming to a close...that and i love the song "closing time" by semisonic

i have decided to be a little but reflective tonight. usually i'm one in favor of funny, uplifting and nonsensical posts. but today, despite being in a very good mood, i decided to switch things up

the last few weeks i've been taking a long time to think about my future. where God wants me to go, where i want to go. what i should do. what my strengths and gifts are and where they might be most useful. the big questions that every senior gets asked. cause that's what happens when you are in your final year of school.

and yes, i have every intention that this be my final year of school for a loooong time...at least 5 years. taking the optional course may be okay, but not full-time status.

but back to the deep questions.

a few weeks ago i had a meeting where i was suggested to figure out some steps and habits i can start to develop in order to better equip me in ministry. little things to do, think or say when i start getting frustrated with other people or begin to feel defensive when i feel threatened. because such events happen. i'm not perfect; i'm human. and i get upset from time to time. i love people and God and want to spend the rest of my life working and serving, but there are bad days and there are annoying people out there. so i need to eventually figure out some beneficial habits.

here are some of my current thoughts:

1. confidence - don't belittle myself just because others look down upon me (or at least seem to disapprove since i seldom really know what they think). this is very important. it's not about being overly proud but instead about having confidence. and i don't mean self-confidence. no. this confidence does not come from inside me. this confidence needs to come from God. because i really cannot do everything that people want me to without possessing the gifts from God. confidence in my skills, my talents, my gifts, my interests is nothing without the faith that God is the source. that God has a plan even when i don't. far too often i get caught up in telling myself that i'm not good enough, that i could do more and be better. but that should not be the focus. the main point is that i'm really not good enough, but God is greater. and to quote paul: i can do all things through christ who strengthens me...

2. skills. and i'm not talking skills that napoleon dynamite talks about. i'm talking about the gifts for ministry that i already possess. the gifts and strengths that balance out any weaknesses. cause i really like something i was told at the beginning of the year: don't focus on your weakness; instead, use your strengths creatively to balance any weak spots. granted, that was not the exact quote, but the gist of it. and i found that to be eye-opening. i'm someone who has been bogged down in my lack of skills and experience, when really i should be changing my view. like my weakness of procrastination. which is not actually the case. i've often assumed that i don't like to plan and prepare because i put things off. but a few different things constitute what gets labeled as procrastination:
a) lack of creativity or energy. i've come to realize that i can do a lot of things and with gusto when i feel inspired and creative. i love brainstorming. i love thinking outside the box. i love plotting and planning. i love details. i love all that goes into starting something new or switching up the old. sadly enough, all these loves of mine end up forgotten when i feel dried up. and when i'm not buzzing on a creative high, i do nothing. literally, i will do nothing until inspiration hits. which tends to be at the last possible moment.
b) lack of follow through. closely related to lack of creativity and energy. when i don't feel the energy or drive or motivation, i let projects fall to the wayside. granted, i can see projects through depending on what it is. i hate leaving things undone. but i may not be able to have continuous progress over extended periods of time. everything happens in spurts.
c) last minute. i work well under pressure. i am at my best when my world is chaotic. i work best under stress. my head clears and i always manage to do everything i need just in the nick of time. some people tell me that everything would be better if i could do things earlier then keep revamping or redoing or redrafting or re-whatever. in other words, not do things at the last minute. but that's not me. like papers or sermons. for some reason, no matter how much i try to start by writing early, the final project is never anything like early drafts. i tend to start from scratch at the last minute anyway. so i've learned to spend more time taking notes and reflecting before writing final projects. which means that my final project tends to be quite coherent in logic and flows because i write it all in one shot. there are always things to improve but that's life in general. nothing is perfect.
d) room to improve. everything i do is not perfect. i still have much to learn, i still have room to grow. but it gets frustrating at times when perfection is the expectation and i know that as an imperfect person i will never achieve perfection; i can only do my best. and my best will always have room for improvement. but i wouldn't want it any other way. because i believe that the day we stop learning and growing is the day we die.

3. future. i have no idea what this will look like. i'm not omniscient. i'm not a fortune teller. i'm not God. but i do possess a strong faith that God has laid out a future for me. i just don't know what it is. but i know a few things. i'm on the right path right now. i'm in the place i'm meant to be at this moment. and i'm doing what i should be. but i have no idea what the future holds for me. and it's terrifying to think about the unknown. but i'm also super-jazzed. cause i love chaos and possibility. i hate stagnancy. i hate being bored with routine when i could be trying and doing new things. when i can be traveling, meeting new people, creating experiences. life is meant to be lived to the fullest, and in my particular case, life is vibrant and changing. others get to claim the constancy and contentment. i'm jealous of people who are already where they are meant to be and don't feel any pressure to change. i'm still working on that. i feel as though i'm standing on the edge of a cliff ready to jump off. terrifying but exciting. cause i don't know what will happen. i could hit the rocks at the bottom (doesn't sound pleasant). or i could end up in water and will need to either swim somewhere or let a current carry me (may or may not be pleasant). or i could somehow start to fly. which would be awesome. and i'm thinking that someday i'll start flying. i feel as though i'm preparing to soar but just haven't taken off yet. i know i'm almost ready but have no particular destination in mind. i'm willing to travel anywhere and experience anything. it's both frustrating and freeing to be able say and know that the future is open. i want to know but at the same time i don't because God always has far more in store than we could ever imagine, i just need to be open to going where the Spirit leads...

and now that my brain hurts from thinking so much, i'm going to retire and reboot.

internship is over!

3 months after i left my internship site, i finally can say that i'm done!

here is a quick rundown of why it's taken three months:
- submitting evaluations and signature pages. took a while to actually get all of em sent to the synod. which finally happened just this week.
- panel review to discuss and make sure that internship was a "success" and does not need to be repeated. happened a bit late since we're pushing time deadlines, but it's over and done in time to continue with the rest of the steps for ordination...

another long day

today started at 7:16 am. that was when i got a phone call from my mother. and yes, it woke me up. i love the confusion when waking up and thinking to myself that i was way too tired for my alarm to be going off and then slowly realized that the noise was actually my ringtone. the phone call informed me that my grandmother passed away. update since last posting: sunday she took another downturn. she likely suffered a stroke before she was taken to icu. then taken out of there since icu is intended for helping people get better and get out of their slump. but we (and by this i mean the family members who are in the medical profession) felt that she was not likely to make a recovery plus she signed the dnr. so they decided to do more to control pain and keep her comfortable. and sunday night, after the bad turn, they put her in hospice.

then i tried to go back to sleep but quickly gave up and decided to start packing since mom wasn't sure when the funeral was, but she thought it would likely be friday. and it is. so i'm glad i started packing and was actually almost ready to go before my class this morning at 10. and i also had to make phone calls to krissa to help her figure out when she would be flying back. so we set up a phone date for 11.

then off i went to class.

but don't remember anything since i was so exhausted and distracted.

then i called krissa and booked her flight for tonight. nothing like the poor girl getting her tickets ordered an hour before she had to start driving to the airport.

then i ate.

then i went back to my apt to finish packing and to load my stuff in the beast (aka the family's expedition). and i also unloaded a bookshelf i bought at ikea. and am super proud that i was able to move it in by myself. since the other day i could barely shift it. just no strength left after moving all day monday. which is when i moved back to seminary. and the same day i went shopping. but my strength returned for me to unload the beast since it was going to be heading home. cause i picked up krissa.

then i went to discipleship group and afterwards went to the internship debriefing. which i left early so that i could try to beat the bad traffic in minneapolis and get to sioux falls in time to pick krissa up at the airport. of course, the last hour was in the rain.

and i timed my arrival in sioux falls perfectly. rolled up to the airport as the plane landed.

then krissa and i took off on down the road to get home in parkston. in the rain and dark. not a fun combination. but we made it back home shortly after 10 pm

now we just get to wait for kiana to roll in sometime in the wee hours of the morning from wyoming.

VBS and other craziness

So the final week for me at Bethel Lutheran Church is well underway...I spend about 12 hrs at church on Monday. Seriously. 12 hrs. 8:30-8:30. But it was good. Except that Monday always sets the tone for the rest of the week...

Started off the day with a quick email check. Exciting to be getting apartments and financial aid all lined up and ready to go for the coming school year. Not exciting that I can't move my stuff right away into my apartment. Instead I get to impose upon friends and family to store stuff for a few more weeks.

Then spent several hours in the church library. I organized (by this I mean sorted into genre) and shelved (required adjusting several shelves) books. I was getting pretty handy with the screwdriver to take out the screws/pegs that would hold up each shelf in order to adjust for height or to add/take out shelves from various sections. Super excited that I only have one cart left to sort. And it's by my desk already partially sorted. Which is awesome. Not gonna complete the dotting process (I sort with each genre having its own color). Looking back, I'm really sad that I did not take "Before" pictures...but there will be "After"

Then it was VBS prep time/set-up followed by 2.5 hrs with the kids. We had a pretty small gathering. 23 kids last night. Here are some pics I took with my camera phone (not all the best quality)

nostalgia is settling in...

I cannot believe that I will be done in 10 days. Seriously, I only have 10 days left at Bethel Lutheran Church in Bemidji, MN. Today is the 5th of August and my last day is Sunday, August 15.

Where did the year go?

Not that I'm complaining that it's over. Not even close. I'm actually really excited for the next stage of my life. I'm ready to get away from this particular congregation with its conflict and miscommunication. I'm tired of the bickering and the constant fears and the ever-present negativity. I want to be somewhere where there is a sense of optimism and hope and goodness. Not a church where rumors are flying around the entire community that this congregation will be 1) not having VBS, 2) leaving the ELCA, or 3) closing. Among other rumors. But those are the three I have heard recently and know to be false. It's been a long year and I'm ready for something new.

But I really am going to miss parts of it. I'm going to be sad to say good-bye to some dear women who have invited me into their homes and fed me cakes, cookies or other various goodies. I'm going to be sad to say good-bye to some families that have welcomed me into their homes and treated me as a daughter or granddaughter (depending on their ages). I'm going to be sad to say good-bye to the local pastors as they have become my colleagues and friends.

10 days left. And I'm working on making plans to have each day full of various events. Including a potluck tonight, helping to set up VBS table decorations tomorrow, packing on Saturday, preaching and leading worship on Sunday morning (first time flying solo!), going to a county fair in Bagley Sun afternoon, VBS during the evenings Mon-Thurs, going out to eat with the local pastors for Tues lunch, picking up Mariko (college roomie) Tues night, going to Canada on Friday, Relay for Life on Sat 14th, preaching and enjoying a potluck in my honor Sun 15th, moving to St Paul on the 16th, taking Mariko to the bus depot then driving to SD on the 17th, chauffeuring Krissa around the 18-20th. And that is all that I know for sure. There will be more activities that are likely going to fit in as people are really coming to realize that I'm leaving soon.

But here is something I decided to include in my blog. I've never posted any of my newsletter articles on the blog, but I decided to include my final one that I wrote for this month's church newsletter.

Kara’s Last Words (at least in the Beacon…)

Wow. My time is coming to a close. I can hardly believe that I’m writing what will be my last newsletter article for the Beacon. I’m suffering a little shock that my 11 ½ months are almost over. My last Sunday (Aug 15) is but days away…

People keep asking me how I feel about internship ending. I always respond that it’s both good and bad.

Good because I’m ready for the next stage in my life. Ready to go back to school and have some time to reflect upon my experiences. Ready to see my fellow interns again. I may not be ready to sit in lectures and write papers, but I suppose that comes with the territory of being a student.

But bad because there are some people and activities I’m going to miss. I am going to miss Bible studies (whether on Tues afternoon, Wed morning or Thurs evening). I’m going to miss quilting, helping out at the Food Shelf and Soup Kitchen, and delivering Meals on Wheels. I’m going to miss Kid’s Club, Confirmation and youth group. I’m going to miss visiting with people I’ve come to know over the course of my time, whether at church, in homes or during chance meetings around town. There were some activities I did not get to start and/or finish (like ice fishing and curling). And those are just some off the top of my head.

I have been blessed with being able to say that I’ve learned a lot this year. It has been a rough year with a lot of space to learn and grow. I’m not going to lie and say that it was always peachy, but I will say that I appreciate just how much I have learned.

There were some true high points of working with Bethel-ites (pretty sure I just made up a word to name the people from Bethel Lutheran). I loved being able to talk and pray with people, to worship God as a community, to serve the community, and to spend some fun times playing games (like cricket on the lawn).

But there were also times when I struggled with writing sermons, preparing Bible studies, visiting with people, leading worship, etc. I’ve had a few bouts of being too sick and tired to do anything besides sleep (usually due to overextending myself so that I would come down with some virus).

But all of those challenges have helped to strengthen me both as a person of faith and as a future minister. I’ve had to learn (or re-learn) how to set up boundaries, recognize when I need to rest, and give all my worries over to God. I’ve been humbled and chastised at times, but I also have become much stronger in my personal faith and trust in God through the challenges.

Thank you for walking with me on this part of my journey.

Blessings and Peace to you all

Intern Kara Wiechmann

Pictures!!!!!!!

As promised (now that I broke down and bought an SD card reader since my laptop's built-in one decided to stop working last week), here are some pictures:

Bethel Lutheran with Roddy at TeenServe

Crew #58 with Melissa and Granny

Alpine Coaster in Duluth, MN

Carley and I in a paddleboat on a lake in WI

From my old to my new living room...

Mount Carmel 

Sunset on Lake Carlos

Sunrise on July 13

Sunrise on July 16

Most intense slip n slide

My gruesome bug bite (it looked worse in person)

A beaver in Bemidji

ugh

it's amazing how one syllable can sum up your entire mood.

and "ugh" fits me to a t right now. 

allow me to elaborate a bit. this week just never seems to end. it's flown by because i've been so busy, but right now i'm so drained...

i finished monday with over two hours of cleaning. that's right. i cleaned with an arm that had a swollen bug bit approximately the size of my hand...i have a picture to prove it. and if i remember, i'll even post it to gross people out. won't be today, but i may go back and add or edit in the next couple days. 

i'm on antibiotics...boo...first prescription in my life. seriously. mom couldn't think of any. other than glasses or contacts, and those really don't count. so now, in addition to a crazy schedule, i have to remember to take a pill three times a day. easier said than done. 

my tuesday was uber long. i got to the church at 8:45 am. which is pretty good for me since i don't have anything going on until 10:30, which is when the pastor's text study starts. was with them until noon, when i quickly grabbed lunch, talked to my sister kayla, and finalized prep for a bible study at 1:30. did that, ate a snack with them, then retreated back to my batcave, aka my desk. where i proceeded to finalize (which really meant neatly rewriting out my notes) the bible study for wednesday morning. since i was going to be gone for it. then chatted with someone a bit when i was walking out of the church. and left at 6:30 pm. which is a long time to be in a church building without stepping outside once. went home and packed for my overnight trip to come. 

got up wednesday morning, picked up a parishioner, and drove to rochester, mn. which is a good 5.5 hrs away in good traffic. which we did not have. for those of you who don't know, there is about an 8-10 mile stretch on east-bound I-94 into the twin cities that is basically stop and go traffic. not fun. but we made it to the hotel and hopped on a shuttle to go to mayo (i'm healthy but she needed to consult with a surgeon there). so now i can say that i've been to mayo. we ate at famous dave's where they serve way too much food. then i watched some tv before crawling into bed. only to wake up 1.5 hrs later when i got a text message from my baby sister...before crawling back under the covers.

alarm went off at 5:15. i slept until 5:50 (i wasn't going anywhere...) when i woke up again to say a quick bye to the church member (we shared a room) and run out into the rain to get something out of my car. back to bed. woke up, packed my bags, watched some tv waiting for the phone call to pick her up at the clinic. and started the drive back. 

highlight today: ikea! 

she had never been, so we stopped by for the experience. i ate some food and bought some things. it was glorious. then we got back in the car and drove the 4 hrs to bemidji. 

and now i'm sitting in the batcave waiting for a meeting to start. i need to be at a meeting at 7, but i'm so tired and feel as though i'm going to fall asleep before it's over. 

i'm even too tired to get really worked up after reading my internship committee's evaluation of me.

but i can sum it up: i'm too immature, casual and inexperienced to be a parish pastor. oh, and my sermons lack depth (which they define as real-life illustrations) and have not been prepared well enough in advance, and i must admit that they are thinking of my past habits when i started sermon prep on fridays, but the last four months i could generally tell them what my sermon was about on tuesdays...i guess finally learning some discretion about work habits bit me in the behind. again. oh, and another bonus in my committee having the guts to bring up the fact that where i stand in relation to the elca's decision on homosexuality causes them concern. 

but i do have enough fight in me to make one comment: big shocker that you think the 25-year-old is young, casual and lacks experience right now to be an effective parish pastor. even bigger shocker is knowing that my pastoral style would be a great fit for a younger congregation. at least in comparison to them. since most of the congregation, and my committee in particular, are old enough to be grandparents or great-grandparents (seriously, all five are older than my parents, who are already grandparents) and having pastors that have all been on the other side of 30...generally much father down the road on the other side of 30...and as far as my stance in the elca, i would like to point out that this congregation has half the members it did a year ago, and all those who left/are leaving stand exactly where i am. way to kick them (and me) out the door.

oh, and did i happen to mention that my congregation is a known clergy-killer? as in, they drive off their clergy every 5-7 years...and this is the current pastor's 7th year...

so that's my week. and i have to somehow have enough energy to finalize a sermon for sunday in this emotional state...

ugh.

mid-july update

wow. it has been a crazy last couple weeks.

here is one word to describe my life since my last posting: rollercoaster.

i'm not usually one for metaphors, but i really appreciate a good one. every once in a long while.

so, here's the gist:

i last posted on monday, july 5. which is when i went from spending time with family (nice top portion) back to my house in bemidji (major drop). where i started to pack since i would be moving that friday.

during the course of the next three days (kinda steady and level), i went to work, lead a Bible study, packed up stuff in the house, and so on and so forth...

thursday night was able to have a "picnic" (in quotation marks because we ate burger king) in the park with two ladies from church (going up again).

then the whirlwind really began on friday (think spiraling down). i spent all day packing with a few breaks for when i grew tired. but it was nice that from the time the kindem family showed up with their pick-up and to the last time i drove from the house in my car, it was only 2.5 hrs. amazing how quickly you can move, especially when you get help from some in the congregation.

good/bad point: one dreyer boy pointed out that you can tell who in the congregation likes me because you can always tell by looking at those who help you move.

just so everyone knows, only two families were willing/able. so my response was that no one wanted to admit that i was moving because they love me so much.

so there i was in a new place, and i started unpacking a few things. like my dress clothes to prevent major wrinkles. and some kitchen stuff (food and utensils).

then i woke up and packed for a week of camp.

then i dropped off my car at the local mechanic to have them look at something that went wrong.

then was picked up to leave for a week of camp (upward again).

camp was nice (stayed pretty level). was at mount carmel near alexandria, mn. highlights include:
- meeting a fellow intern (who is originally from arizona, went to sem in phoenix, az and berkeley, ca, and is working in wisconsin)
- starting the week off with a tornado warning in the middle of the first supper of the week...also a low point since it was 45 min of being cooped up (silly storm traveled 10 mph)
- meeting miriam's family
- spending time getting to know other campers and staff
- relaxing (lots of naps involved)
- reading
- watching sunrises (that's right, folks - more than one early morning for the girl who hates being up before 8!)
- seeing former interns and their new baby (well, she was born in november, so not "new" per se)

then arrived back in bemidji, picked up my car, and went back to my new place in order to organize a bit more. right now, most of the organization is trying to separate what is mine versus borrowed, and locating items that simply got shoved into boxes/bags while leaving in a hurry. i did not take enough time packing before friday, it seems...

sad fact in my life is that while on the way back from camp, i felt a tickle in my throat. assumed it was simply dehydration. alas, it was more. cause i had a full-blown sore throat the next day. fortunately i didnt have to talk to anyone until later in the evening. helped out with a rejoice and remember service hosted by my church as a way to rejoice and remember cancer patients (current and past). ended with some pie eating.

sunday morning, realized that my throat was not 100% but was at least improved. until i had a coughing spasm in the middle of pastor mark's sermon. fellowship involved eating more pie.

and now, today.

which is truly a manic monday.

cause i woke up to find a huge, swollen, red, warm-to-the-touch bug bite on my forearm. yesterday it was a mere, itchy mosquito bite. or so i thought. but today, i'm thinking that it may be more along the lines of a spider bite...i've never had such an obnoxious bite before in my life!

it was so obnoxious, i even went to the clinic to have it checked out. yup, i went to a doctor. and for those of you who know me, i don't go to see doctors. even when i need shots or physicals, i end up with nurses or pa's.

so it turns out that you have to wait 48 hrs to find out if a bug bite is simply allergic reaction or something else. and considering i just took an allergy pill not long ago, and the bite just seems to be getting itchier, i'm thinking that i will have to fill the prescription for antibiotics. which i'm not really looking forward to doing. but if that will help my arm out, i'll take the first prescribed pills in my life.

if you don't believe that i've managed to get away without prescriptions in 25 years, talk to my mother. i may be wrong, but i'm not remembering a single time i've had my name on a little bottle...

then to top off my day, i just got a phone call to let me know that my cleaning was not up to snuff. so i'll be off this afternoon to go wipe down the oven, fridge and cabinets in the kitchen. pretty sure it won't be up to the standards that the landlords want, but i'll do my best. even with my bum arm.

even more updatisms

this has been an interesting summer. i've been uber busy at times and bored out of my mind at others.

for example, most of the summer is dull as all the kids and their families disappear as soon as the school year ends. and since our vbs is not til august, that means that numerous won't be around at all this summer.

but i have had a few really good experiences.

like a week-long mission trip. i and cory (the two chaperones) took four kids (3 boys and 1 girl) from bemidji to new london, wisconsin. we worked at a workcamp through TeenServe. it was a fantastic experience as we spent several hours each day working on various projects to spruce up homes in the new london area. my crew (one of 59) worked on a two story victorian house, scraping paint, priming and painting the four colors. it was quite the process. but it was a lot of fun to meet the other 5 members of my crew. we were from 6 towns/cities in 4 different states. and we enjoyed meeting our "residents" who were extremely hospitable and friendly: melissa and her mother jean, aka granny.

every evening was spent in worship and listening to a speaker. the band, fourth in the fire, was fantastic and perfect for the teens to get really into the music as it had times for both jumping around and for calming down meditatively. and the speaker, mike guzzardo, was phenomenal.

i really enjoyed the overall experience, even if the latest i woke up on any given day was 6:20 am and if lights out was 10:30 pm.

it was truly one of those mountain-top experiences that re-energizes you for coming back down the mountain to "reality."

sadly enough, whenever i have such experiences, i always seem to fall down cliffs. no gradual return but a steep drop-off.

like finding out sunday morning that the house i've been staying sold. which is great news for the owners of the house. i'm truly happy for them. but i'm also extremely irked that they didn't have the decency to call and tell me that they want me out of the house by the 15th of july. which will happen, but i'm still upset that they didn't tell me. even when i called to let them know that there was some mail at the house for them. no, they called and let the church office know. but since i wasn't there (they knew i was out of state), they were safe in not having to talk to me directly, which they have not done for quite some time. but no one contacted me. and pastor mark had thought they would have done so, so when he was talking to me before the church service yesterday, he assumed i knew. and i did not. which meant that i found out the disturbing news that i would have to be moving out of the house in 5 days. because i found out on july 4, went home for the 4th-5th, and leave for camp on the 10th. which means that i will be moving on friday, july 9. if it works. if it doesn't, then my landlords will just have to wait for me to move on the 17th-18th, which is when i am back from camp. ugh.

but i went back to the family to escape a bit for the holiday. and it was a lot of fun to be around my family once again. i also got a lot more info about what krissa is going through with her injury. from learning where she's still numb (which makes it weird to see your limbs moving despite not feeling them) to seeing her wounds and just how weak she is.

it's amazing how nice it is to just sit around and do nothing with people i love. now if only my spiritual recharge wasn't already emptied as i'm dreading the next couple days of craziness with packing and moving while still going to work...

here is my sermon from yesterday morning (yup, i had to preach the very morning after returning from my mission trip) without a few of the extra stories from the trip that i had included in with the sermon as i preached:

Today’s text has a great message for us all. I love how easy it is to imagine us in a similar situation.

So, picture Jesus standing around a large group of people ready and anxious to get out and do something.

Have you ever been part of an organized volunteer day?

Helped out with the census or some other poll?

Any situation where a group gathers around a focal person before receiving an assignment and being sent in a direction?

I remember times like this. At my college for our community service day the hundreds of volunteers would gather in the chapel before being commissioned out into the community for the day.

At camp, the staff or campers or volunteers would be told which part of the camp to go clean up.

Or, in the case of 6 of us from Bethel this past week, at TeenServe where hundreds gathered at a middle school in New London, Wisconsin to find out which crew we were assigned to.

There are countless other examples. So pick one that you remember and put Jesus in the leader’s role with you as one of the many followers awaiting instructions.

I can picture Jesus meeting with his followers in an open space to give them their instructions before they take off to all the corners. This large gathering is about to receive instructions that are both simple and challenging.

Here is basically what Jesus tells them:

Okay, disciples, here is your task: Today we are going to go out and cover the country. Pair up and start walking.

Don’t take anything with you. No snack packs, no coolers, no luggage, no travelers’ checks. I want you to receive what you need from the people you meet on your journey.

When you get to a town, you will find that there are two types of people.

The first kind will be friendly, hospitable and peace-filled. This is good. Greet them in peace and do great things in this town. Heal the sick, cast out demons, and do whatever else you can to help those in need.

The second kind is going to be closed-off and unapproachable. Greet them in peace, but if they do not respond in peace, don’t stick around to perform good deeds for skeptics. Now, when you are rejected, don’t be offended. Don’t take it personal since they are not really rejecting you, but they are going to be rejecting God.

But, no matter what the people are like, here is the message you are to deliver: The kingdom of God is near.

That is you mission should you choose to accept it.

And 70 chose to accept and went on their ways.

Put yourselves in the followers’ shoes. How would you feel after hearing such a message?

I think I would start panicking. There would be some hyperventilation as I hear that I can’t take anything with but a travel companion.

I admit that I tend to overpack, so taking nothing with is out of my comfort zone. And how can I travel if I’m not even allowed a small carry-on? And why can’t I take anything with? It’s not like I’m going to know anyone on my travels to stay with?

This would be a major leap of faith for me to believe that God will make sure I have what I need. To have faith in the kindness of strangers to provide housing and food.

But that’s not all that I would be worried about. Part two reminds me that there are both good and bad people out there. And that I will meet both types on my travels.

Remember hearing about Sodom? How about Ninevah?

On the one hand, we have Ninevah in Jonah’s story. This would be a good town for a messenger. A town that was so starved to hear anything about God that they are open to a messenger. An unexpected place for repentance.

But then there are Sodoms. Towns so closed in on themselves that no amount of preaching will reach the people. Where no amount of miracles would open their eyes. A town where people will scoff at you and remain skeptical.

But the challenge is that you never know what you’re getting into until you are there. So you greet the people and see what happens. And that is scary to think about. Getting into unknown situations. Cause I would prefer to simply go around a town like Sodom and head straight for the good places.

What really is exciting is the fact that the 70 return with stories of amazing experiences where they did good and were embraced by communities.

Their messages were accompanied by some amazing feats that no normal human being could perform without the help of God. They went out, performed miracles and delivered the message that the Kingdom of God is near.

Our speaker at TeenServe reminded us that Jesus told his followers that they would be able to do great things. In fact, that they will do greater things than even Jesus was able to accomplish. Part of this reason is simply because there are more followers than there are Jesuses. And when each follower has the same Spirit in them as Jesus, a lot of amazing feats will be accomplished.

These 70 are a prime example of just how much more can be done with many hands who follow God’s will.

Think about that. Each follower of Jesus will have the same Spirit dwelling in them. That Spirit that is the force behind miracles is in each of us. Which means that each of us could do greater things if we just open ourselves to that possibility.

We can be just as effective as the 70 if we just let ourselves do the work, trust God and deliver the message that the kingdom of God is near. Which is both challenging and simple at the same time.

God had a message that needed to be delivered right to people’s front doorsteps. And it was delivered by people just like us.

Picture the 70 as mail carriers being dispatched to all the corners of the countryside. They have letters to deliver, no matter what. They were to get their messages to all people, regardless of whether they were peace-filled or not.

Their job was to get the word out and to do good acts for those who greeted them in peace.

Jesus reminds the 70 that their experiences are not about them. Their assignment is not to test their own powers, but instead to do good works so that people would be able to hear and believe the message that the kingdom of God is near. The 70 were prophets, they were messengers of God, vessels that housed God’s spirit and spread the word of God.

Because it was God who was the driving force behind their mission.

My next question when receiving this mission would be: Why this message? What exactly does it mean that the kingdom of God is near?

I admit that I’m not sure. I hate trying to figure out what the kingdom of God is because every single time I think I get it, it slips out of my grasp.

I’m pretty sure it’s not your typical kingdom. I mean, think about it. Kingdoms are effective because you have a visible monarch overseeing everything that happens. And if God is the ruler of the kingdom of God, then the ruler is invisible. Which might mean that the kingdom is invisible. And since our faith in God as ruler is a spiritual issue, then the kingdom of God must be a spiritual issue.

Did everyone get that? It’s a bit of logic for you early in the morning. So let me sum it up: God’s kingdom is not of this world in a typical sense of how we understand kingdoms. God’s kingdom has a spiritual component. Which makes God’s kingdom a a faith issue.

I don’t think that it is just a coincidence that the 70 perform miracles and bring the message at the same time. I think that the miracles are tied into the kingdom of God. Because I think the kingdom of God involves the ultimate healing and restoration that comes with faith. That the kingdom of God will be ushered in when we have faith and let the Spirit of God do its purpose of restoring this world. When we remember that it is never about us, but that it is always about God’s will. We will be part of the kingdom of God when we are able to belong only to one ruler.

What is clear to me, and I hope even clearer for you, is that the kingdom of God is near. Whatever the kingdom may look like, it is near. We just need to be ready for it.

Amen. 

i should be working

but i'm not. obviously, i'm at work but not exactly working on everything i should be working on.

like the bible study for the next two weeks (i'll be leading for the next month or so, but i need to have enough prepared for the 30th when i'm gone on a mission trip)

or my library project where i'm adding color to old books. i sort the books into different categories that have corresponding colors. which reminds me that i have yet to find some of the colored labeling dots i need...

today i will do at least do the bible study prep. then tonight i will attend a women's circle. but in the meantime, i decided to figure out just why i have no drive or ambition to work. especially since i've had energy the last couple weeks.

and i'm reminded of my lows during february and march. when i was not really able to care for other, when i would rather stay in bed and do nothing, when i was trying to heal on my own. that was my limited experience of what depression might feel like. but i managed (with God's help and the support of family and friends) to crawl back out into my typical optimism.

so now i'm at least aware that part of my reluctance to be with people as their pastor is that i'm also wounded and trying to heal. i still talk to them, i still visit, i still pray with them. but i'm also aware that any healing for them is coming from God and definitely not from me and my abilities. because right now i'm not capable (well, technically i've never been) of healing others.

my mind and heart is in other locations and not focused on the present.

my heart is with my family right now, especially with krissa and mom and dad out in santa barbara. but i'm also with my sister kayla in omaha as we both await the decision that will dictate where we will be moving at the end of summer (since we agreed to be caretakers as long as krissa needs the extra care). i'm with my sister kendra since she tends to be the most emotional of us all (at least, she's the one who shows the drama). i'm with my baby sister kiana as she is just trying to figure day-to-day where she needs to be and what she needs to be doing (like going from having a summer to do as she pleases with lots of rodeos and playdays to unexpectedly nannying for a week to spending a couple days with me to making sure that cats/dog/rabbit are taken care of) with an intent to visit krissa wherever she is but not knowing if that will include flying to california or waiting for krissa to get back to the midwest while trying to plan spending time with family and friends

i'm looking ahead to the mission trip. i will be leaving at 4:30 sunday, june 27 to be gone for about a week. so i'm looking ahead to preparing the bible study i'll miss while out of state.

i'm looking ahead to the end of summer, which is my most challenging situation.

i mean, i don't know if i'm going to have to move to rapid or to rochester or to somewhere in new york. i don't know if i'm going to be able to take classes at luther or if i need to be finishing my degree online. so many little factors that would be nice to have planned instead of hanging in limbo...

Survival

There are a few things going on in my life leading to me being in survival mode:

1. 12 mile bike ride. Let me expound upon this a bit more. I have not done any major athletic activity since January. Which was 6 months ago. I got this brilliant idea that it would be so much fun to go to Itasca State Park, which is only about 30 miles away from Bemidji, to walk through the Mississippi. Because the headwaters of the Mississippi are there. And I thought it would be fun. Then I thought it would be even more fun to ride bikes there. They have a 5.8 mile bike path. One way, of course. Which means the total is 11.6 miles. Little did I know that it would involve some hills. Or that my bike would decide to fall apart on me. Literally. The screws holding the handle bar were loose. And then somehow the bike didn't want to change gears. Or somehow the brakes would randomly lock so that I couldn't go forward. Not fun. No fun atall. But I survived. And I managed to wade in the Mississippi. And survived the physical exertion.

2. Internship. Granted, I'm loving a lot of what I do. I love people. I love worship. I love Jesus. But it's been hard. Particularly having to fight against expectations that can be a bit unrealistic. But I've been intentionally having fun. Doing things that interest me (like working on the library and leading a Bible study on Proverbs). Visiting people. Not dwelling on the bad (very important).

3. Family life. I think that a lot of churchgoers can forget that pastors have families that are seldom (if ever) seen. My family in particular is my lifeline. I'm not married or have a child or anything like that to have my own little nuclear family. I'm solo, which means that my parents and sisters are my family. And when one of them is hurting, I'm distracted.

The last couple days have been a major challenge for my family.

Last Friday, my sister KrissaMarie broke her neck while playing rugby. Nothing stops your own heart quite the same way as hearing that your sister broke her neck. The fears are instant: is she dead? is she paralyzed?

Then to top it all of, she's halfway across the country. I'm in Northern Minnesota, she was injured in Santa Barbara, California. So it's not like I can jump in a car and be there within a few hours.

Fortunately, she's alive and well. Not paralyzed or anything. Yes, extremely weak. Yes, she had surgery to fuse vertebrae. Yes, she'll be in rehab for the next year. But she can eat (feed herself no less). She can talk on phones. She can walk.

Thanks be to God for her miraculous ability to heal quickly!

But that is the least of the story, because so much more stress comes with other days. Like ordering plane tickets for our parents to get to Santa Barbara. I ordered them on the phone thinking that such an order would be the best and easiest to deal with. Alas that it was not the case. The gentleman helping me on the phone turned out to not have the best hearing. Like when I start the conversation by saying that I will be ordering TWO tickets. And after providing all the information for passenger #1, I find out that he was only booking the one. So we have to go through the whole rigamarole again to order another ticket on the exact same flight. Only to find out the next morning when Dad gets to the airport to pick up his ticket, it is not for June 12 like it was supposed to be. It was instead for July 12. The idiot on the phone messed up. And my dad suffered for it. He didn't get on the same flight as Mom. He went and bought a ticket with a different airline because he wanted to be there ASAP. Then proceeded to have delays and missed flights. And of course, I'm stressing out because of all this. In addition to the worry about Krissa. Not a good combination. But Mom and Dad both got there. Which is the important part.

Then the next stress factor arrives in the question, "Kara, I don't know how to email the Wiechmann family email. Will you send out the message?" And I respond, "Of course I can."

So now I'm the official go-between.

I get information from my parents and siblings about Krissa's progress. And about what steps will be taken soon for rehab or fundraisers. Then I relay it to the family members and friends whose emails I have.

Since Krissa was supposed to be working at camp all summer, I also had to contact the camp to let them know she wasn't going to be back this summer. Then give the contact info to Kendra so she could get the stuff at camp since she lives only about an hour away.

It's a lot to be doing when also trying to focus on internship. Being the contact person and travel agent is time-consuming. But I love it! I love planning and organizing. I love the tangible results of being able to build up contacts and strengthen relationships through such events.

Other stress factor comes in the form of the unknown future. Because Krissa will be in rehab for so long and because people can only take so many weeks off from work, I (along with Kayla) have been volunteered for and have volunteered ourselves (not sure which came first...) to be caretakers who can move wherever in the country to help out. Because I can end internship early if necessary (I'm down to less than two months left). And because I can take online classes (major perk of being almost done with seminary and only having a few classes left). And Kayla's entire degree is online. And because we want to help out in any way we can.

But such a future means that I don't know where the rehab location will be about 5 weeks from now (when Mom's leave of absence expires). I don't know if Krissa will be going back to college and if she needs to have her sisters along for the ride or if her college will be able to take care of everything. Which means that during the school year I may be in Rochester, MN with her at Mayo. Or I may end up in Poughkeepsie, NY near Vassar College.

It means that I have no idea where I will be living two months from now. And I don't like not knowing...

But there is nothing that can be done for now. It's all about survival. Hour to hour, day to day, week to week, month to month.