ordination pics

this one is my fave:

although this is a close second:

crazy pic with two sisters (i never noticed, but we are the odd ones in the family as we are #1, #3 and #5)

or the one standing with pastor nick and my angelic little niece (who is seldom looking so angelic and tends to look more like her mom does in the other pic)

opinions?

graduation...

i'm pretty sure my sisters were thinking of yelling some of these at my graduation...

and now for some pictures!

  

walking out of central lutheran in minneapolis

 

me and my roomie katie 

 

me and harvey

me and my parents kendall and diane 

 

sisters - kayla, krissa, kendra, me, kiana

me with jan and gary coleman 

it is signed... 

the fancy hood i will never wear again 

me and erin 

me and jacob 

me and lindsay 

me and josh

believe it or not, there were other pics taken but right now i either don't have them or they didn't turn out...

family pastor

a congregation will be voting this coming sunday on whether or not to call me as their pastor.
i'm super excited (and if you happen to see me and ask me, i'll be wearing a giddy grin and be ready to start bouncing around).
but also nervous. nervous because nothing is set in stone and the vote hasn't taken place yet and i haven't signed papers and we haven't negotiated a start date...

and i keep getting ahead of myself.

about 3 weeks ago i was freaking out about never receiving a call, when all of a sudden a voice popped into my head and told me,
"Be still and know that I am God."
i love it when i get those moments of clarity. they don't happen often, so i really listen up when they do. that day i listened and immediately let go of the concerns and worries and felt my clenched shoulders relax. i was reminded that there was nothing i could do but be still and know that God is God.

and about a week later i was called and informed that a call committee intended on extending a call. i was pleased and shocked and unsure what to feel since the emotions were so intense as the call process was becoming real in a very different way.

i'm going to be a pastor.

what is really startling is how my entire life is working towards full-time ministry. i'm finally beginning to accept the title of pastor. somehow in the past few months, i've become comfortable with being a pastor.

i know, i know. i've been preparing for this for how many years and it's only now that i'm comfortable?
yep, it is.
cause until now i was always a student, but things are changing.
two weeks from today is my last day of classes. i'm nostalgic for the loss of the school setting that i've known and loved for the last 20 years.
but i'm ready to be a professional.
i'm ready to trade in the hoodies for sweaters and cardigans (oh wait, i've already done that...).
i'm giving up t-shirts for clergy shirts (i'm heading to north dakota where pastors can wear clergy shirts with jeans...i plan on wearing jeans at least once a week, just because i err on the informal side).

a year ago, i was still overwhelmed with the idea that my family would see me as a pastor.
a year ago, i needed them to keep me grounded and remember who i was (which was not a pastor).
but now, i'm a pastor.
and i'm still their daughter/sister/cousin/niece/granddaughter/friend.
i'm excited to be both.

last month strangers at a cousin's wedding saw me as the pastor and i'm pretty sure had no idea what my real name was, which i take is a sign that i've ceased to be the student and have stepped into the world of the pastor.

my family has started to shift how they see me and my role.
when i decided to go to seminary, i began being drafted to pray at meals. i still resist every once in a while, but i find it easier to say yes and am flattered to be asked.
when i told people i was going to be a pastor, they started telling me where the openings were.
when they realized that i would be able to preside over weddings and baptize children, they began asking me to enter their lives in new ways as the family pastor.

i talked to two of my four sisters today.
one sought some pastoral advice from me (which oddly enough looks exactly like asking her big sister for advice).
and the other, when she called, joked with me that she was calling to talk to her sister and not the future pastor.

the tension is there between pastor and sister.
but not for them.
because i'm both sister and pastor.
i'm the sister who will be a pastor.

as both pastor and relative, i can bring a special, personal connection to key moments in life transitions.
moments i would be part of anyway as family, but as pastor and family i get to bring a more intimate bond into the moments blessed by God.

and i'm excited

2011

hard to believe that this is a new year. my year started off on somewhat the wrong foot with a very interesting (in the midwestern sense of the word) beginning.

as i posted on facebook, i had a very interesting first two days of the new year.

jan 1 (around midnight, so it might have been jan 2) - got peed on by a sleeping toddler. not cool. will be funny someday, but still not cool yet.

jan 2 - driving to sioux falls for approval interview when i was rear-ended...and still made it to my interview on time

jan 3 - drove to mitchell (and past the scene of the crime) to deliver a shovel to some boys who were snowed in but didn't have one...

jan 4 - only time i left the house was to go take the dog for a walk. and it was glorious outside! (if i can find the sd card adapter for my micro-sd, i'll post pics of the snowy fields)

jan 5 - a sister turned 24 (marks the last birthday of my immediate family until may). went to church office with my mom so she could chat with the pastor and another bible study leader about their upcoming bible studies for their respective women's circles

jan 6 (today!) - decided it was time to pull out old computers and deal with copying music and pics onto my hard drive

additional notes:

- car accident: i'm fine. haven't noticed any pain or whiplash (well, my wrist was sore for about 2 days, but fine now). car still runs and drives, even though the bumper is busted and the alignment is a bit off...i got off easy compared to the person who hit me, whose front end did not look pretty and whose face hurt from the air bag deployment

- approval interview: for candidacy in the elca, i had to go through the final step toward ordination which consisted of an interview (panel of 2 in my case) who recommend me for approval and was voted on by the entire committee the next day...now i'm free to be ordained!

- bible study prep: i like how the pastor meets with the leaders so that they can bounce ideas off each other and ask questions before they lead...i think i shall remember this when i have my own congregation...which i hope to have next summer now that i've been cleared for ordination...

- computers: pulling out the old computers...which are dinosaurs and do everything in slow motion...
this means that they took waaaaay longer to start up, and using them requires patience...
this means that i could check my email and download 6 gb of data off flashdrives to my new computer before the old one even booted up...
this means i'm going to take all day to get the old pics and music off my old computers...

Post 140

Happy New Year!

technically, it's still new year's eve, but i figured i could jump the gun a bit. especially since there are parts of the world that are already into 2011.

year changes are about as weird as they come. it'll take me about four months to stop writing 2010. cause that's what i does.

today i can't help but think of the saying we have for the month of march: in like a lion, out like a lamb. here's to hoping that saying will work with 2011. especially since 2011 is being brought in with winter storms and blizzards...not much travel is being advised for the state of south dakota. yesterday was freezing rain followed by snow and wind. and the snow and wind are continuing today along with low temps. as in, single digits.

which means:
wind + temps in single digits + several inches of snow = icky blizzard conditions

if that doesn't count as a lion, then i don't know what would

that and i'm going to be staying indoors for a bit longer. didn't go out yesterday and have no intentions today.

add to that we have libby here. who is a riot. chatty little girl who speaks really well for being 2 years 2 months old. she's entertaining and energetic. and smart. really smart. and of course, the age where you say something and she repeats it 10 min later...

Merry Christmas!

today is Christmas (nothing like stating the obvious). santa came last night and left a few stockings upon the little tree my mom sets up every year. although, mom got the tree out of storage and left it in its box, and technically kiana set it up this year.

the family gathered yesterday for a meal and to exchange presents. we all rolled into parkston by early morning of the 24th. and we all slept upstairs. slumber party! it's amazing how the five of us slept in our attic for years, let alone when you add a few more bodies. but we managed to have a bed (or at least a foam mattress) for everyone. it got really warm up there, which never happens. kendra and i didn't sleep very well, waking up at random times.

then i was officially woken up by libby. the little child started moving around and somehow discovered krissa's toy accordion.

use your imagination to figure out what came next...

i open my eyes to see the child leaning against the bed looking somehow innocent while holding the accordion and trying to figure out to play it. i close my eyes and waited. and she delivered some good music. kid's got talent, even at 7:15 in the morning

activities of the day: a few went to mitchell to take lunch to mom, who had to work at walmart until the afternoon. some set up the wii to play games. i know this because i came back from a quick trip around town to find trevor and libby tossing beanbags. and i'm pretty sure libby beat her dad. i also showed the boys how to watch netflix on my wii. of course, they were a bit overwhelmed but trevor and casey were fascinated with how many options there were for them to watch. at the end of the day, kiana, krissa, colten and i played some additional wii. turns out that krissa and i cannot play ski ball to save our lives but we kick butt at trivia. and colten is great at ski ball but not lawn darts.

animal updates: bill is comfy at home with most of the people and animals, but didn't like jack (libby's little rodent dog). jack was tiny and scared of the animals bigger than he was. no major problem with karma, but definitely did not know what to do about bill and gray, the rabbit and cat who are basically twice as big as he is.

meals for the day: kendra made chili for lunch with the evening meal comprised of turkey (i am so good at baking turkeys...), corn, mashed potatoes (trevor), gravy (casey), stuffing, and biscuits. it was a toss up of tradition as more males were in the kitchen than females. but it turned out really good.

we then moved on to exchange presents. our price limit this year was 53 cents (my theory in setting the limit was to encourage creativity by limiting it to a 50 cent item plus tax). so there was much creativity. for example, kayla gave mom items picked up that end up free with rebate and some old gift cards she had laying around (with no idea if there was any money on them). other highlights: mom tried to give karma back to trevor. trevor gave dad some old tools that he doesn't use for his job anymore. dad gave krissa stuff laying around the house. kendra gave kiana an old purse while kiana gave kendra a bag filled with some stuff she bought using up her money at the college store.

libby had no price limit. so she got books, shoes, finding nemo (to match a pair of shoes that look like clownfish), barbies, toy horse, and a giant purple dinosaur she can sit on and ride.

kayla opened up a bottle of wine she brought back from greece a couple years ago (kept forgetting to drink it at the big family events until yesterday). it was tasty.

then the troops started disbanding. kendra, trevor and libby went to trevor's family in wagner for the next round of meals and presents. casey and kayla to casey's family. and kiana and colten to pierre for his family.

which means that this morning krissa and i were the only children here this morning to see the stockings hung on the tree with care...

comforts of home

i often wish that i spent far more time at home than i do. oddly enough, even when i come home (which is defined as the house my family has lived in for 20 years) i often go stir-crazy and decide to make mini-trips.

like yesterday. i get a phone call while driving from st paul to parkston from the baby sis asking if i wanted to go to a movie that night. i get home and spend a few hours there before taking off for sister bonding time with krissa and kiana.

or today, when some of us are going to drive to omaha to spend time with kayla on her day off.

i love being home.

i enjoy having the pets around. even if they are simply sleeping like they are right now. it's nice to know that i can pet something soft and fuzzy and likes the attention. karma may be yippy when we first walk in the house after being away for days/weeks/months, but he calms down. gray (our gray tomcat) meows and wants to be babied. chili (the cat's full name is chilixitive) blips in and out for attention. and bill (krissa's bunny, aka agent bill tickelmeister) hides but sometimes appears to remind us that he exists.

i enjoy being around family. currently i am blogging in a house devoid of life except mine and the pets'. the rest of my family is in mitchell, either working (parents) or running errands (krissa and kiana). kayla and kendra won't be back in parkston until christmas eve.

i enjoy not cooking for myself.

i enjoy the fact that i can relax and not be stressed out about schoolwork. because i don't study while at home during breaks (whether or not i have homework to do). and even when i do have homework, i don't stress.

i love home. i'm glad that i am home.

i think that i will be a copycat and take a nap like the pets.

post black friday events

i love black friday shopping.

i remember fondly the early mornings where my sisters (and sometimes their boyfriends) would drive to mitchell in our pjs to get some good deals.

and we've collected a few fond memories. like standing in line for a computer while kayla later sees someone put a computer down later. or being given lists by people who don't want to or are unable to go shopping who want some sweet deals. standing outside waiting for menards to open (this was one of the highlights as you stand in a huge line waiting for the store to open). the crazy lines to check out so we would retreat to a part of the store where no one was in order to simply chill while other customers go crazy waiting in line.

last year was on my own where i went out later and didn't worry about getting up early but went out leisurely in bemidji

but this current year was also a bit different. walmart started their crazy good deals at midnight. technically 12:01. so my sister kayla and i ventured out in omaha (which is way busier than bemidji) at 11:30 and started to find the deals we wanted.

our goal: movies (for me since i like movies) and toys for libby. we had success. oddly enough, most of what we wanted we found in piles people had discarded. most movies were on the cardboard shelves, but a few were not. and most toys i found were just laying around.

people are either crazy mean or nice during black friday shopping. this particular round was nice. we chatted with people in line. and because kayla and i were shopping together, we could tag-team it where one would stay in line but the other would roam around. this came in handy for those all around us in line. like one lady who accidentally picked up blue-ray instead of regular dvd. so i went off and found them for her. then later kayla by chance discovered a barbie doll that another lady was happy to find.

we were back in the apartment by 2 am with most of our black friday purchases. we slept in and ventured out after 9 to menards, borders and target. we didn't buy too much of anything. which is something to be proud of. in fact, we put a lot back in those three stores.

overall, my haul was primarily movies. which i'm excited about. cause i loves me my movie watchin.

the other highlight was kayla getting me hooked on the merlin tv series. it's a funny, witty bbc retelling of the story of merlin and arthur as young men.

but i watched all the episodes she had on hand. so now i've moved on to legend of the seeker.

thanksgiving

it's amazing how some of our holidays are meant to be spent with family.

well, most of them, really.

i didn't go back to sd for thanksgiving. second year in a row. 

but at least this year i was able to be with my sister. i went to omaha and spent the day with kayla. we were invited over to jess' mom's place for the big meal. delicious roast beef. among other good foods like corn and apple pie. 

i still kinda missed thanksgiving with turkey. since this is the first thanksgiving i went without turkey. and i like turkey. so maybe i'll have to make some turkey when i go back to st paul. so i can eat leftover turkey for the next week or so...

i would also like to point out that i managed to write "turkey" in six sentences in a row

va beach

this past weekend i went to my cousin's wedding, which happened to be in virginia beach. our hotel was beachfront, which was awesome. saturday was 60s and sunny, which is about 30 degrees what i left behind in minnesota.

pics from our balcony on the fifth floor:

and on the beach itself:

and of course, can't forget the wedding party on the beach

veterans and soldiers

happy day to remember, acknowledge and thank the many veterans who risk their lives to defend what the great nation stands for (aka freedom and liberty and rights)!

i will never be a veteran since i will never be a soldier (me and the armed forces' training don't mix well)

but i do appreciate what many men and women sacrifice(d) in order to fight for our country

i especially appreciate those friends and family who have the distinguished title of veteran - especially those who fought in the conflict zones of iraq, kuwait, afghanistan

here is a sampling (and i apologize to any names i neglect but will add if notified i forgot someone) of those who have donned a uniform:
kendall
trevor
chris
bob
carl
scott
eric
jeff
don
craig
audrey
brett
cody
bryan
brett w
corey
sally

Reunion at a funeral...

The funeral for my grandmother was a celebration of family in the midst of grief. I know that a lot of tears were shed at the prayer service, funeral and graveside. Personally, I both loved and hated the music since the songs were what caused me to tear up.

But it was a true joy and blessing to be able spend time with our family members. We imposed upon my aunt and uncle since they live close to the town where we spent a lot of time going to services at the Catholic Church.

Why were we so pleased with our family? Let me tell you

There are nine living children of Frank and Mabel.

(left to right)

Kendall, Teresa, Mark, Laura, Evelyn, Cletus, Eileen, Clyde, Loyson

Yes, Kendall (who happens to be my dad) is much taller than the rest of his family as he is actually standing on the same step as Laura...

Yup, nine who then had an even larger next generation of 27. That's right. 27 grandkids. And of course, I have never been with all 27 of us. Because, just like for this recent funeral, at least one is always missing.

But it is very exciting indeed when 26 of 27 are there. So we had a photo opp:

(starting in front left)

Rachel, Kara, Kiana, Kendra, Abbie, Sarah, Denise, Robin, Fran, Nicole

Kayla, KrissaMarie, Gina, Lisa, Brett, Josh, Heidi, Carl, Heather

Corey, Craig, Chris, Brian, Matt, Jack, Eric

not pictured: Scott

And the next picture we even let the great-grandkids in (not all were present). And no, not all of the kids are being held by their own parents. Some were claimed by other cousins...

add in Kira, Libby, Owen, George, Addison, James, Alison

not pictured: Cody, Nate, Katie, Lane

Don't we all look spiffy? We clean up good...

another long day

today started at 7:16 am. that was when i got a phone call from my mother. and yes, it woke me up. i love the confusion when waking up and thinking to myself that i was way too tired for my alarm to be going off and then slowly realized that the noise was actually my ringtone. the phone call informed me that my grandmother passed away. update since last posting: sunday she took another downturn. she likely suffered a stroke before she was taken to icu. then taken out of there since icu is intended for helping people get better and get out of their slump. but we (and by this i mean the family members who are in the medical profession) felt that she was not likely to make a recovery plus she signed the dnr. so they decided to do more to control pain and keep her comfortable. and sunday night, after the bad turn, they put her in hospice.

then i tried to go back to sleep but quickly gave up and decided to start packing since mom wasn't sure when the funeral was, but she thought it would likely be friday. and it is. so i'm glad i started packing and was actually almost ready to go before my class this morning at 10. and i also had to make phone calls to krissa to help her figure out when she would be flying back. so we set up a phone date for 11.

then off i went to class.

but don't remember anything since i was so exhausted and distracted.

then i called krissa and booked her flight for tonight. nothing like the poor girl getting her tickets ordered an hour before she had to start driving to the airport.

then i ate.

then i went back to my apt to finish packing and to load my stuff in the beast (aka the family's expedition). and i also unloaded a bookshelf i bought at ikea. and am super proud that i was able to move it in by myself. since the other day i could barely shift it. just no strength left after moving all day monday. which is when i moved back to seminary. and the same day i went shopping. but my strength returned for me to unload the beast since it was going to be heading home. cause i picked up krissa.

then i went to discipleship group and afterwards went to the internship debriefing. which i left early so that i could try to beat the bad traffic in minneapolis and get to sioux falls in time to pick krissa up at the airport. of course, the last hour was in the rain.

and i timed my arrival in sioux falls perfectly. rolled up to the airport as the plane landed.

then krissa and i took off on down the road to get home in parkston. in the rain and dark. not a fun combination. but we made it back home shortly after 10 pm

now we just get to wait for kiana to roll in sometime in the wee hours of the morning from wyoming.

crap

why is it that some days and weeks just seem to never end? and that there will always be stress and pain and waiting and frustration and exhaustion?

it's amazing to me that i'm still a generally optimistic person. of course, this is all by the grace of God.

so here's the latest rundown from my world over the last couple weeks:

after having fun in rapid city with krissa and libby (and by extension kendra and trevor), krissa and i traveled back to parkston. where we got her ready to move back to new york to start her third year at vassar. so we relaxed a bit and watched some movies, she spent some time with local friends, and we packed bags. we spent time with the pets. the household is now down to three pets since agent bill ticklemeister (bill for short) returned to new york to be the resident bunny. but it's still interesting to have two cats and a hyperactive dog.

last wednesday, krissa and i drove over to sioux falls. we met up with our cousin nick to enjoy a late meal before we all had to get to bed since we had an early morning. krissa and i spent the night in a hotel since we had to be at the airport around 5 am for our 6:15 flight. we then flew to newburgh, new york where mom and kayla (who had started driving the day before) picked us up before finishing the trip to poughkeepsie and vassar college.

we were there for a few days before mom, kayla and i took off to start driving home. kayla had to work on monday, so we were back in omaha by sunday evening. of course, we stopped at an outlet mall on the way...

then mom and i drove to sioux falls where we picked up a car from the airport parking lot, went back to parkston. on the way i stopped by to pick up my new glasses, which do not have nosepieces on them (oh, how i hate those stupid little rubber pieces).

that night i answered a phone call. my uncle clete informed me that grandma mabel (my paternal grandma who is 92 years old) was not doing so hot and was going to be eventually taken to the hospital in mitchell. so on tuesday, the day she went up and had surgery to remove some scar tissue, mom and i showed up briefly at the hospital. we also blipped out to eat two suppers. one with my dad and one with my sister kiana's boyfriend colten, whom i had never met until the other day. she was doing quite well. was a bit hard to understand when talking, but we figured that was because she didn't have her teeth in and because she was on morphine.

then yesterday i spent all day finishing up my approval essay. for those of you who are not aware of the process to be ordained in the evangelical lutheran church in america, we have something fun called candidacy. and candidacy requires that we have to put together a final essay that is 17-20 pages long with four parts to it. so i finished it up with the total of 19 pages. it was quite an ordeal to make it sound intelligent and coherent and worthy of a pastor...but it's done and turned in

and today, which i had been hoping to consider the official start of my vacation, began with printing off some paperwork to send in. and to hope that i'm completely done with internship now that everything has been turned in.

it continued with putting together a care package for krissa. techinically, mom did all the prep. i just helped remember to put in the sunglasses that got left behind.

then i was on my way to mitchell (again). this time to meet mom where she was dropping off the car that colten would be borrowing in order to go visit kiana, taking along the new license plates for her bubble. cause that's how we refer to her new car. it looks like a bubble. so it's the bubble.

then mom and i made a brief stop by shopko to kill some time before going back to the hospital. where we sat for a couple hours before going to meet dad and colten for their respective supper breaks. ate with dad. and dropped off something we forget to give to colten earlier for the trip.

in the midst off all this running around, mom is talking to krissa about the challenges she is facing. she is trying to figure out just how much of a course load she can handle while still trying to regain strength and go to rehab. so that is just another level adding to our stress. we have a lot on our plate right now.

then we returned to the hospital. when we got to grandma's room, two of my aunts were standing in the hallway starting to call all the siblings to let them know that grandma was being transferred down to icu. which is not a very good sign. so mom and i stuck around for longer than we originally intended to see if she would stabilize.

and so the waiting game is beginning. we don't know if she'll make it through the night or past the weekend. or she may pull through and live for quite a bit longer. but we get to wait and see.

i hate just sitting around waiting to find out what needs to be done. i hate hospitals. i hate not knowing whether or not my plans for the weekend or next are going to have to change.

some vacation...

rapid city rehab

these are pics from krissa's final days at rehab and in rapid city. most are of libby cause i spent time with her while others worked

i should be working

but i'm not. obviously, i'm at work but not exactly working on everything i should be working on.

like the bible study for the next two weeks (i'll be leading for the next month or so, but i need to have enough prepared for the 30th when i'm gone on a mission trip)

or my library project where i'm adding color to old books. i sort the books into different categories that have corresponding colors. which reminds me that i have yet to find some of the colored labeling dots i need...

today i will do at least do the bible study prep. then tonight i will attend a women's circle. but in the meantime, i decided to figure out just why i have no drive or ambition to work. especially since i've had energy the last couple weeks.

and i'm reminded of my lows during february and march. when i was not really able to care for other, when i would rather stay in bed and do nothing, when i was trying to heal on my own. that was my limited experience of what depression might feel like. but i managed (with God's help and the support of family and friends) to crawl back out into my typical optimism.

so now i'm at least aware that part of my reluctance to be with people as their pastor is that i'm also wounded and trying to heal. i still talk to them, i still visit, i still pray with them. but i'm also aware that any healing for them is coming from God and definitely not from me and my abilities. because right now i'm not capable (well, technically i've never been) of healing others.

my mind and heart is in other locations and not focused on the present.

my heart is with my family right now, especially with krissa and mom and dad out in santa barbara. but i'm also with my sister kayla in omaha as we both await the decision that will dictate where we will be moving at the end of summer (since we agreed to be caretakers as long as krissa needs the extra care). i'm with my sister kendra since she tends to be the most emotional of us all (at least, she's the one who shows the drama). i'm with my baby sister kiana as she is just trying to figure day-to-day where she needs to be and what she needs to be doing (like going from having a summer to do as she pleases with lots of rodeos and playdays to unexpectedly nannying for a week to spending a couple days with me to making sure that cats/dog/rabbit are taken care of) with an intent to visit krissa wherever she is but not knowing if that will include flying to california or waiting for krissa to get back to the midwest while trying to plan spending time with family and friends

i'm looking ahead to the mission trip. i will be leaving at 4:30 sunday, june 27 to be gone for about a week. so i'm looking ahead to preparing the bible study i'll miss while out of state.

i'm looking ahead to the end of summer, which is my most challenging situation.

i mean, i don't know if i'm going to have to move to rapid or to rochester or to somewhere in new york. i don't know if i'm going to be able to take classes at luther or if i need to be finishing my degree online. so many little factors that would be nice to have planned instead of hanging in limbo...

Survival

There are a few things going on in my life leading to me being in survival mode:

1. 12 mile bike ride. Let me expound upon this a bit more. I have not done any major athletic activity since January. Which was 6 months ago. I got this brilliant idea that it would be so much fun to go to Itasca State Park, which is only about 30 miles away from Bemidji, to walk through the Mississippi. Because the headwaters of the Mississippi are there. And I thought it would be fun. Then I thought it would be even more fun to ride bikes there. They have a 5.8 mile bike path. One way, of course. Which means the total is 11.6 miles. Little did I know that it would involve some hills. Or that my bike would decide to fall apart on me. Literally. The screws holding the handle bar were loose. And then somehow the bike didn't want to change gears. Or somehow the brakes would randomly lock so that I couldn't go forward. Not fun. No fun atall. But I survived. And I managed to wade in the Mississippi. And survived the physical exertion.

2. Internship. Granted, I'm loving a lot of what I do. I love people. I love worship. I love Jesus. But it's been hard. Particularly having to fight against expectations that can be a bit unrealistic. But I've been intentionally having fun. Doing things that interest me (like working on the library and leading a Bible study on Proverbs). Visiting people. Not dwelling on the bad (very important).

3. Family life. I think that a lot of churchgoers can forget that pastors have families that are seldom (if ever) seen. My family in particular is my lifeline. I'm not married or have a child or anything like that to have my own little nuclear family. I'm solo, which means that my parents and sisters are my family. And when one of them is hurting, I'm distracted.

The last couple days have been a major challenge for my family.

Last Friday, my sister KrissaMarie broke her neck while playing rugby. Nothing stops your own heart quite the same way as hearing that your sister broke her neck. The fears are instant: is she dead? is she paralyzed?

Then to top it all of, she's halfway across the country. I'm in Northern Minnesota, she was injured in Santa Barbara, California. So it's not like I can jump in a car and be there within a few hours.

Fortunately, she's alive and well. Not paralyzed or anything. Yes, extremely weak. Yes, she had surgery to fuse vertebrae. Yes, she'll be in rehab for the next year. But she can eat (feed herself no less). She can talk on phones. She can walk.

Thanks be to God for her miraculous ability to heal quickly!

But that is the least of the story, because so much more stress comes with other days. Like ordering plane tickets for our parents to get to Santa Barbara. I ordered them on the phone thinking that such an order would be the best and easiest to deal with. Alas that it was not the case. The gentleman helping me on the phone turned out to not have the best hearing. Like when I start the conversation by saying that I will be ordering TWO tickets. And after providing all the information for passenger #1, I find out that he was only booking the one. So we have to go through the whole rigamarole again to order another ticket on the exact same flight. Only to find out the next morning when Dad gets to the airport to pick up his ticket, it is not for June 12 like it was supposed to be. It was instead for July 12. The idiot on the phone messed up. And my dad suffered for it. He didn't get on the same flight as Mom. He went and bought a ticket with a different airline because he wanted to be there ASAP. Then proceeded to have delays and missed flights. And of course, I'm stressing out because of all this. In addition to the worry about Krissa. Not a good combination. But Mom and Dad both got there. Which is the important part.

Then the next stress factor arrives in the question, "Kara, I don't know how to email the Wiechmann family email. Will you send out the message?" And I respond, "Of course I can."

So now I'm the official go-between.

I get information from my parents and siblings about Krissa's progress. And about what steps will be taken soon for rehab or fundraisers. Then I relay it to the family members and friends whose emails I have.

Since Krissa was supposed to be working at camp all summer, I also had to contact the camp to let them know she wasn't going to be back this summer. Then give the contact info to Kendra so she could get the stuff at camp since she lives only about an hour away.

It's a lot to be doing when also trying to focus on internship. Being the contact person and travel agent is time-consuming. But I love it! I love planning and organizing. I love the tangible results of being able to build up contacts and strengthen relationships through such events.

Other stress factor comes in the form of the unknown future. Because Krissa will be in rehab for so long and because people can only take so many weeks off from work, I (along with Kayla) have been volunteered for and have volunteered ourselves (not sure which came first...) to be caretakers who can move wherever in the country to help out. Because I can end internship early if necessary (I'm down to less than two months left). And because I can take online classes (major perk of being almost done with seminary and only having a few classes left). And Kayla's entire degree is online. And because we want to help out in any way we can.

But such a future means that I don't know where the rehab location will be about 5 weeks from now (when Mom's leave of absence expires). I don't know if Krissa will be going back to college and if she needs to have her sisters along for the ride or if her college will be able to take care of everything. Which means that during the school year I may be in Rochester, MN with her at Mayo. Or I may end up in Poughkeepsie, NY near Vassar College.

It means that I have no idea where I will be living two months from now. And I don't like not knowing...

But there is nothing that can be done for now. It's all about survival. Hour to hour, day to day, week to week, month to month.

still praisin God

this has been a very long week. nothing like losing a friend on monday. then going back to work on tuesday when only my world had been shattered. 

so i went in early with the intention of being able to talk with my supervisor cause i needed a pastor. 

then i sat through a text study with other pastors. some of whom i told just before it started about what was going on in my life. and i was amazed that i was able to focus during the discussion about the coming sunday's texts. then in the afternoon, pastor mark and i went for ice cream as part of our weekly meeting. it was nice to be out and about. 

then i went back to my house so that i could read more and prepare for a bible study on wednesday. and to pack and prep my car since i would be taking off right after the bible study to try and make it in time for derik's prayer service. 

wednesday was hard. it was hard to focus when my mind and heart were already back home with my family and friends who were grieving. the bible study went well since i've adopted an approach where i just let the people talk. and it means that i can take some time every once in a while to zone out. which i tried not to do. i survived. 

then i took off on the road. and drove in sunshine the entire way. since i left at 12:15, i didn't get to dimock (where the service was held) until 7:10. not bad in my mind. they were still saying the rosary when i arrived. so i snuck in and sat next to my mom and sisters (all of us made it back). it was a nice service. i didn't start bawling, but i definitely sat there with tears in my eyes. afterwards i went up to see derik. and i was struck that he really did look like he was sleeping and would wake up any moment. most funerals and visitations i go to are of the elderly whose skin looks discolored with the makeup. he looked at peace. 

my mom and sister had gone shopping to find a memorial of some kind that my family could give. and my mom found the perfect one. she had been looking for something music related since he was such a gifted and dedicated musician. but then she spotted a little boy holding up a frog. and remembered how my sisters and i would play with derik. how kayla and kendra in particular would spend hours catching frogs with him. or looking for snakes. or digging up worms. 

and we all realized that so many of us had focused on what derik loved for the last half of his life while ignoring the childhood. so we began to remember more of the stories and crazy antics we had done. cause catching slimy things was the least of what was done. because there was the time when derik married two of our siblings, krissa and cameron, when they were 2 or 3 or 4. somewhere in that age range. and none of us would let them get a divorce. cause only one of us older siblings could approve the divorce. and we didn't want to. 

then we spent some time in a park eating deserts and talking with people. i chatted with the only other of my classmates who was back. mike, who was derik's cousin and a pall bearer but also happens to be a second/third cousin to me (i never know how to classify relatives). 

since the funeral was in the afternoon, my sisters and i spent the next morning slowly getting ready. some slept in while others were up because libby, the 19-month-old decided that sleeping in would be bad. 

once again, we made it through the funeral. the worst part was watching the family walk out at the end. i don't know if i'll ever forget how his mom was leaning on his dad to walk. or how my little bro was crying as he walked behind his parents. 

it was over before i knew it. 

then the next stop was the hall where a meal was served. three of my sisters and i sat with some friends from high school. it was so nice to be able to reconnect with the boys i hung out with way back when. kes (and his wife), travis, and chad (and his wife). to be able to laugh. i also said hi to some other classmates of mine. 

then ki and i walked home since parkston is a small town. people stared as we walked dressed in black with heels. but it was good to be moving. 

my sisters and i took a picture of the five of us together in our black/white outfits. 

i spent friday with krissa and libby cause kendra, kayla and mom were all back at work. and kiana was already at the sd state track meet. poor little libby was sick all week and spent most of friday sleeping. with a short walk and play in the park. when it was ridiculously hot outside. then her other grandma and aunts came to pick her up. 

the other highlights of the trip: 

- watching "valentine's day" and "invictus" since kris and ki bought those movies

- going to the state track meet to watch ki jump for that last time at the high school level

- wearing shorts in 90 degree weather and working on some awesome tan lines

low points not mentioned before:

- being eaten alive by gnats. stupid pests...now i have bites all over my arms and neck...

- sunburned nose from the meet and the trucker's tan (you know how only one side of your body gets sun while driving...)

overall it was a nice trip as i got to see my dear old friends and family, no matter how crappy the circumstances had been for the reunion

praisin' God in the midst of it all ain't always easy

this has been a long year. a very long, touch, strenuous year.

there have been major ups and downs. last february and march i hit a major low.

but i was on an upswing because i adopted a mantra: God is good.

so i've been doing much better emotionally and spiritually. 

but today i received some more major news.

and not of the good kind.

i'm not sure i want to give the complete story (or back story), so here is a brief synopsis:

i moved to parkston when i was five. and two doors down was a family with two small boys. one was 6 months younger than me (which means he was 6 months older than kayla, the sister who comes right after me). derik and his brother cam grew up with me and my sisters. we've known each other for about 20 years. 

today derik committed suicide. 

this is the guy who agreed to be my prom date way back when. and was a complete gentlemen with the weird girl down the street. 

the guy i just talked to last month when i was home. who walked around town for about 30 min just catching up. 

the guy who just turned 25 earlier this month. 

i'm still in shock. i mean, i know it's real. that it happened, but it seems surreal that derik's gone. 

i was texting my sister kiana back and forth when she let me know about the abundance of vehicles at the house two doors down. ambulance and police. my first thought was that derik had done something. hoped that it wasn't the case.

but it was. derik had done something.

and it was a blow when i got the official message from kiana letting me know that derik haag was dead.

then i talked to my sister kendra, who called me crying. she was the first to start breaking down the shock barrier when she reminded me of how we knew something was wrong and had been for years. how we had been hoping that he was doing better. but the guilt from not doing enough. from not checking in. his suicide wasn't a shock since we had worried about such a possibility for years, but it still seems untimely. the regret will still be there. cause we should have been able to help him. that we shouldn't have abandoned him by moving away and losing contact with him. which we did. 

then i talked to my mom whose first words were "i have a migraine." i guess i now know where i get the migraines after crying from. because my mom had gone over to sit with mary, derik's mom. where she learned that mary had always hoped derik would end up dating one of us girls. and was reminded that derik had enjoyed seeing me just a few weeks ago. 

then my mom shared the fact that krissa, who was happy and bubbly from finally getting back home from college in new york almost two weeks later than originally expected, had her bubble burst right away. my little sister who had wanted to be home by may 15th for kiana's graduation. the one who was so happy to see her mommy and daddy after being away from home for months. when i was talking to mom, she let me know that kiana and krissa (the two youngest sisters who are home) were over with cam. cause cam is our brother. and they had to be there for our brother who just lost his brother. 

it sucks. 

i mean, i lost a friend. but the family lost a brother, a son, a grandson, a cousin. 

so i'm bawling cause i can't imagine their pain. 

and i'm praying a lot cause that's all i can do right now. pray to God to give them strength to get through this horrible ordeal. pray to God to take care of derik, who i hope and pray is finally at peace. 

and i'm going to intentionally choose to praise God because that is what we're created to do. 

even though it hurts

chaos ensues

i love crazy days.

really, i do.

i love when life throws you curveballs and expects you to be able to deal. cause that is what i do best. i survive.

not that i can play baseball. cause i can't. i really can't. but i like the metaphor.

so last weekend with its constant chaos was amazing.

here is what my week was like last week: monday was totally boring at work all day in a church building where i was the only one there. then tuesday there was pastors text study and council that night. wednesday bible study (where i almost fell asleep cause i for some reason was not getting sleep) and youth stuff that night. thursday was a bit more relaxed as i visited people from the congregation, had bell choir practice at night then drove to concordia college in moorhead. so i was suffering from a lack of sleep.

on both friday and saturday, i was up early since i was a page at the Northwest Minnesota Synod Assembly (henceforth nwmn synod). 8 am reported for duty where i was assigned to hand out papers to conference 11, which is technically the island of misfit toys. seriously. conference 11 doesn't exist and was simply given a number for those poor unfortunate people who don't have a home conference. like the synod staff (including the bishop). or the guests. or the keynote speakers. for example, i sat with mark allen powell and sunitha mortha. it was fun to be able to be at ease with the important people. only major downfall about the assembly: stupid beds at concordia. i have never slept on harder, less comfortable beds in my life. it was bad. really bad.

highlights of the assembly:
- being around the other intern pastors. love reconnecting with my peers and being reminded that i'm not alone
- pastor party. yay for the chance to drink and hang out with other pastors and not feel as though you are being judged because you have a glass of wine or beer or whatever alcohol in hand. or to play silly games. which others did. anyone heard of "bang!" before?
- growth groups (better known as break-out sessions to most of us) where i got to think about "lutheran buzzwords" with mark allen powell and hear about youth ministry in roseau minnesota.
- worship services. where i was not leading or helping out in any way, shape or form. i could have easily volunteered to help out with ushering or serving communion. but i didn't. cause i wanted to be able to worship for myself. which i did. and loved every minute!
- getting some insight about being a cheerful giver. aha moment of learning that what you do and say will lead your heart. so if you decide that you want to be generous, act generous even when you are not feeling so generous because eventually your heart catches up with you. i like this idea that your heart follows where your actions lead it. fits into my "preach the gospel. use words when necessary" way of living. or the "actions speak louder than words."
- getting out early. we were done by 3 pm. which was nice. cause i had another five hours to spend on the road that night.

arrived at home at 8:30 pm. which included a stop along the way so i could pick up some melons for kiana's graduation open house. otherwise i would have been there earlier. stayed up way too late being with mom and sisters and working on my contribution to kiana's scrapbook. i wanted to go to bed at 10 (which is about 2 hrs earlier than my usualy bedtime) since i was suffering from an extreme lack of sleep. hadn't had more than 6 hours a night in over a week. most nights had been more like 5. and i operate best at 7. but stayed up til after 1 and was the last one in bed.

was presented with my new phone: samsung with the full keyboard. and it's red. very pretty. and now i have unlimited texting. which is awesome!

got up and ready for church. took kiana and libby (cause this way the toddler would not be underfoot for kendra, kayla and mom to get stuff ready for the open house). went to salem lutheran in parkston. which is my new congregation (yay for the awkwardness of transferring membership during seminary so you can stay a member in an elca congregation). kiana had to go cause she was being honored as a graduating senior (prospective member who was active in the youth group despite not being a member).

i had the noisy kid at church. she was not horrible by any means. but libby is most definitely not used to sitting in one pew for an hour. so by the end she just wanted to run around.

at church sat next to gary and jan coleman, friends from church. and gary is a former teacher to boot. poor jan later on volunteered to run out to the grocery store to pick up some stuff for cake decorating and took libby with. amazing woman.

graduation was interesting. some people talked to me about their families as though i knew who they were. and i didn't. but i can schmooze with the best of em. and did.

sad fact: krissa was unable to make it back. so kendra was texting her back and forth with updates and progress of the ceremony. and krissa would respond with pictures taken at a zoo. cause that's where krissa was. at a zoo.

schmoozed a lot at the open house with family and friends. met the band director kevin, who is a grad from bemidji state. we know some of the same peeps. he and his wife have an adorable little girl. three weeks old. tiny. lots of hair.

went to "letters to juliet" with kiana and one of her cronies, becky. really cute movie. and enjoyed the friend who was energetic and funny. and kudos to her for being willing to sit in between kiana and i at the movie theater. cause she had the popcorn so it just made more sense for her to sit between us. never had that happen before since friends usually don't sit between the siblings. especially when you just met one of them...

monday tried to sleep in. and was up and moving by 8:30. which was kinda sad. i mean, that is far from sleeping in on my day off. but rack it up to being up and moving no later than 8 for the previous 5 days. watched some movies. and some episodes of bones. left later than planned (about 4 pm) to head back to bemidji. where i arrived at 11 pm.

then yesterday (tuesday) i went to the pastors text study. and went out to lunch with melody. had some great conversation with her as we connected on some approaches to theology, reading the Bible, thinking about the Holy Spirit. then showed up for a women's circle and bible study. then went home to prep for my bible study on proverbs. and watched some superman on tv.

proverbs bible study part 1 went well. i'm looking forward to seeing what else i come up with to discuss over the next couple weeks.

now (as in 2 pm on wednesday), i'm trying to think up a very simple worship service for tonight. cause that's what i'm going to do...