gradumatations and a massive road trip

kiana graduated from northwest college

krissa and libby entertained themselves as ki graduated

then we traveled through the mountains yet again

and we eventually made it out to new york

through pennsylvania

innisfree gardens

krissa graduated from vassar college

and we went to niagara falls

where did march go?!?

i bet that is the question everyone is asking.
i mean, i blipped off the radar for two months?

yep.

primarily cause about two months ago the season of lent started.
and partly because i didn't feel like blogging.

but i'm back now that my thoughts are no longer focused upon several worship services a week.
seriously, the slowest week would have been a total of two services - one sunday, one wednesday.
but that was not the average week.
in march i had a total of 18 worship services to lead.
that's right, that averages to over four a week.
i've had 10 thus far in april (thanks to holy week with two palm sunday services, two maundy thursday services, two good friday services and four easter sunday services).
that's 10 services in 8 days.
it's not even halfway through the month. tomorrow i add two more to the list.

but now it's april and i'm looking forward to more warm days.
it's been warm for weeks. i picked a good year to live in north dakota. not much snow, not excessively cold. early spring.
but earlier this week there was one day where the high was right around the freezing/melting point.
it was so cold that i wore gloves.
it seems that my cold tolerance is gone.
just like the snow is gone.

it rained yesterday, which was nice. helps everything look clean.
the grass is greener, my car is no longer a dusty, chalky tan.
i've been trying to get out and about more, walking my dog and being more active now that i no longer have to traipse through snow banks or on icy pathways.
today it's about 60 degrees and sunny without a cloud in the sky.
gorgeous!

so now i'm trying to think about what to say about doubting/unbelieving thomas (btw, i totally sympathize with his desire to see Jesus for himself).
and cleaning my house and baking brownies in preparation for a jewelry party monday night.
and putting away clothing (i think the really heavy sweaters are going to be stored away somewhere as soon as i figure out where that will be).
and getting ready for a busy weekend next weekend (quick trip to sd to see friends, synod assembly).
and planning for my vacation next month (according to mapquest, i will put at least 4950 miles on my vehicle...and that's without any additional trips to go shopping or visit family and friends in between krissa's and ki's graduations).

but i'm taking it one day at a time, which is all any of us can ask for.
and starting tomorrow, i (and a couple other family members and friends) are going to take on a challenge to set aside an hour a day to promote spiritual well-being.
just for fun

frustrations abound

one of the biggest challenges i face is the fact that everything i do and say is constantly being watched and evaluated.
i know most are simply curious or looking to me for guidance, and i'm okay with that.

but what is also quite frustrating is how different generations are not just watching but are evaluating.

my generation seems to be really good at filtering for ourselves. we look at people, and we absorb what we want, ignore what we want, overlook what we want. in a world where we are constantly being bombarded with information, we need to be able to filter.

and i do this when i look at leaders. i look and see what they are doing and saying. if they are being true to themselves and not just putting up a false front, if they are able to match actions and words, if they are trying to hide their brokenness or embrace it as part of who they are.

i want to be a leader not afraid to be who i am.
who i am is broken, prone to making mistakes.
who i am is imperfect, without all the answers.
who i am is a child of God, doing the best i can.

i want to be a leader who is comfortable with all my faults and failings but also with my gifts and talents. God did not create a perfect Kara who will never do anything wrong.
God created me to be me.
and so i endeavor to openly acknowledge my faults and failings and to give voice to those who think that only the "perfect" can be leaders for God's people or be pastors in God's church.

because i do not want to be a leader who puts forth a false front that will topple once people get too close.

i want to be a leader who is respected for choosing to follow God and doing my best and loving God's people, all the while knowing that i am here not because i chose it for myself for my own glory, but that i am here because i truly feel called to embody how God brings all people to the body of Christ for healing and forgiveness and new life.

and so i get frustrated at times when who i am as a child of God (broken and made whole again) clashes with the institution's expectation for how a pastor is to act and what a pastor is to say.

because let's face it, i never will be the perfect example the institution wants.

i can only be who God created me to be, who God calls me to become.

i can only be me.

i'm dreaming of a white christmas (that's not happening...)

i live in north dakota.
it's currently december 22, 2011 in north dakota, a time of year when there should be a layer of snow.
growing up, i always thought north dakota had snow 7 months of the year since it was always too cold to melt once it fell.

i thought wrong.

i'm sitting and staring out a window at brown grass.
seriously.
brown grass in december, three days from christmas.

who would have EVER guessed that christmas up north would be sunny and snowless?

not me.
but it is.

i'm not complaining too much because this means that people can travel to and fro in order to attend christmas events.
my family is able to drive to north dakota so that i can host christmas.
which is awesome since i will have people at home when i leave and return from services (4 this weekend).

if only there were an inch or two to cover the brown grass.

and oddly enough, two years ago this is what i had to deal with.
each day i went to shake off the snow in order for the nativity to inflate.
this year, no worries (except for possible wind to blow it away).
it's like i live in the south or something where white christmases were rare.
oh wait, that is where all the snow is falling...

Post #201 - 12.01.11

as i type this post, i'm sitting in my office at one of the churches. it's super quiet cause no one is around at the moment.
but i'm liking the solitude and stillness so that i can take time to sort through various thoughts

1. it's december. my favorite month has passed (cause who doesn't like the month they were born?). last month had some awesome dates (nov 1 = 11.1.11 and nov 11 = 11.11.11) as well as a couple holidays (veterans day and thanksgiving). but now it's the last month of the year and i'm not sure how it came so quickly...nor do i know how i will keep my sanity in the midst of advent, christmas decorating, hosting a youth party, putting on an open house, three christmas eve services and one christmas morning service while baking the turkey and meal for the family since i'm hosting christmas. but i will get thourgh it and then it will suddenly be january and 2012 (hopefully not the last year for the world...)

2. it's sunny and mostly brown/green outside. i live in nd and yet we have barely any snow on the ground at the moment. we got a light dusting yesterday, but the sun and wind could quickly rid us of what little white we have. i'm just waiting for the giant snowpiles to build. and i know they will. the almanacs are predicting lots of snow, the meteorologists are calling it "la nina" (and astonishingly enough, this is the second year in a row) but i'm actually worried because of what nature is telling us:
- i heard about onions predicting a ton of snow for this month.
- i saw the giant muskrat homes (lodges) as they are building up high in anticipation of either lots of snow or lots of spring water or more likely both.

3. upcoming travel is keeping me excited. i hope to not make a big trip this month (three trips to south dakota last month was quite a bit...my car that i got on halloween already has added 4000 miles in the past four weeks). but i know in january i'll do some traveling. i have a first call theological education retreat, and i'll be taking time off for vacation (with a wedding thrown in) as well as attending luther's convo. and of course, i'm working on planning a big trip to wyoming and new york for graduations in may...my car should get more than enough miles on it. but it's worth it to see family and friends

4. christmas gift shopping. i love black friday because i love to watch people and to spend time with my sisters. this year i went home for thanksgiving, which meant i could make the 20-mile trip to mitchell. kayla and i drove up twice with just the two of us in the car (late night thursday and early morning friday) and we drove up with kendra, kiana and colten friday afternoon to watch the twilight movie. i bought mostly movies and nothing for my secret santa gift. i've been going to thrift stores for that... and thrift stores have awesome deals and a weird variety to make for an amazing gift!

5. i need to force myself to go shopping and pick up a new planner for the coming year. but i'm picky so i'm trying to find one that i simply love and will work best for me.

hello old man winter

it's been a while since i wore gloves
(yes, i wore them while at football games this fall cause it was in the 30s with strong winds and i was outside for hours)
perhaps i should say: since i needed to wear gloves if i was going to be outside for more than 10 min

i broke out the wool peacoat (it's a pretty purple) but have yet to succumb to the heavy duty coats still hanging in the closet, nor have i started wearing scarves
(in fact, this reminds me that i should look for and wash my scarves...)

i switched to close-toe and preferably boots for walking through snow
(i found my snowboots for subzero temps but haven't worn them yet)

i drove through snow drifts and on slippery roads and through whiteout conditions for the first time since april (yeah, that's 7 months...which is a long time in the dakotas, esp north dakota!)
of special note: nov 15 seems to be a late day for north dakota to have it's first winter weather advisory...especially since we had frost way back in mid-september

"weather-permitting" is a standard clause for all event planning over the next few months
(in fact, early tues afternoon consisted of cancelling tues afternoon activities so i could go home early)

11.1.11 11.11.11

if you are confused by the meaning of the numbers for the post title, don't be

they are simply dates (nov 1, 2011 and nov 11, 2011)

and i'm super sad and completely disappointed in myself that i totally missed blogging and writing those numbers as much as possible :(

here are some things i remember about those days:
11.1.11 (nov 1) - this was the day after i bought my new car and when i wrote a check for my very own car insurance (until then i was only on my parents'). also, this was all saints' day and i went to a lovely service in mchenry where our savior's lutheran invited people to light candles in memory of community members who had died in the past year
11.11.11 (nov 11) - veteran's day. i didn't do too much this day, but there was a baptism (#4 since i was ordained...same number as funerals i've done)

sirens

the siren has gone off twice this week:
- on tuesday morning (8:08 am to be precise), there was a fire somewhere (no word as to what happened)
- every wednesday at 6:00 pm (no, it's not to announce the supper hour but i'm thinking it's to make sure the kids at sports practice realize that church night has officially begun since no practice can go past 6 pm on wednesday)

i'm sane!

seriously

i just took an online screening test to see if i have any of the following issues: anxiety disorder, depression, alcoholism, bi-polar disorder, eating disorders, ptsd

each time i was told that my results are NOT consistent with the *insert-tragic-label-here* behavior

woo-hoo for me!

walking wounded

i'm a klutz and proud of it!
(except on the days when i'm hurt because i'm a klutz)

actually, i tend to have an uncanny sense of balance on most days. there are many times when i've almost tripped but manage to keep my balance and stay on my feet. i'm not usually a klutz, but it seems like once a month i end up with mysterious bruising that i may or may not remember how i wounded myself.
because some days i don't have a working balance.
and this whole weekend has been one mishap after another.

technically, two main mishaps.

1. i was walking up my back stairs coming in from the great outdoors when i tripped over the huge flying disk my 2.5-yr-old niece had propped up on the side of the stairs even though it somehow managed to get under my feet...and now i have an awesome bruise just below my left knee. it started swelling within 20 min, which is never a good sign.
[side note: my niece offered to help hold the ice pack on my leg, only to tell me a minute later that she "can't want it" (= doesn't want it) because it's cold]

2. closing my car door today and totally got my thumb slammed in it. it's bad enough when you catch a useless finger, but the thumb on my right hand is very important since i am right handed and so i am constantly being reminded of the pain since i use my thumb to type, to eat, to hold the tv remote...you get the idea

so now, at the close of the labor day weekend, i'm wounded and bruised and trying to remember to not apply pressure anywhere near my bruises